What do you do/say when...................?

[k69atie]

Ok i need some advice and i thought we could all use this thread when we need advice or what to do or say when someone says something or when something happens and you need to comfort them etc.


Ok i will go 1st - every now and then and only when he is really drunk dave loses his hard on part way through sex (sorry if this is too much info!) it doesn't bother me i don't get annoyed with him, but he gets annoyed at himself (even though it has only happened about two maybe three times in the time we have been together) he then goes on to sulk about it - and no matter what i say nothing works!

Any ideas ladies???

 

[k69atie]

I have another from the weekend - now this one really pissed me off (am i right to be pissed off?)

dave and I were invited to a 40th birthday party on sat night, the couple who invited us i have known the whole time i have been seeing dave. Anyway ian and bev said that daves ex helen hadn't been invited (she is friends with bev) as she would rather us be there than her. So anyway we went - and i told dave if helen turns up we are going.

Anyway just as we were leaving daves phone rang - it was his mate jamie saying we are coming to the party (jamie and his wife sarah who i have spoke about before who hates me yet set dave and i up!) and they are bringing helen (even though she wasn't invited) so we had better go!

I was so annoyed - anyway dave told jamie we were leaving anyway - they drove past us as we walked home yet i found out they never actually went. Did they do this to spoil our night?!

I was upset as jamie is dave's best mate yet he rang saying that? Do i say anything? It really upset me.

Am i right to be pissed off / upset about this?

 

[Amara]

For the first problem i'd say, if it bothers him he shouldnt drink quite that much. And it's not like he's the first guy to have had that problem with alcohol and performance.

As for the second, whats the big problem with his ex, its been ongoing judging by what you have said. Maybe he and her should grow up and sort out their differences so you can all see your friends without there being any weirdness. Life is too short to let petty things like that spoil your time.

 

[k69atie]

Yeah true, but the thing is they aren't even her friends, she turns up uninvited to places cos she knows that dave will be there.

The thing is as daft as it sounds, i don't want to be somewhere if she is there cos she causes that much shit by shit stirring.

 

[ArtsyGirl]

First problem Im thinking is unsolvable coz a man is always gonna be mad about that, the only other option is what Amara said.

The other is that Dave's mate was probably hassled into saying it, and just next time dont believe them.

 

[_carmi]

1st
if he is unhappy of losing his hard because he drank too much, then why doesn't he drink less? maybe you should tell him that if it bothers him so much, that he should drink less. it's not your fault. and it's normal that he is pissed about that. every man would be.

2nd
you should be pissed off. but as mentionned by artisticgurl, most probably dave's friend was hassled into saying it. who knows, maybe because of his wife. but anyways, you are the one dave loves, not the ex. so fuck off the ex and enjoy your time. don't ruin your life because of her. at least, dave respects the fact that you don't want to be around her and leaves with you. that's sweet.

 

[k69atie]

Yeah that's true. I don't think it is jamie anyway i think his wife sarah pulls all the strings!

Dave and i had an amazing night last night ... lets just say we were in the bath together!!!

 

[Amara]

Can I use this thread to vent for a minute? Ok, I'm back in Australia which means I wont see my bf for 7 months. That's scary. I know he cares about me but I cant help feeling scared, not even really because I doubt his feelings will change, but more I worry about my own. Time can change things and I'm worried I wont know how to cope. I wish also he would share his thoughts with me, tell me how much he cares etc. But he has trouble opening up because he's been hurt in the past and I understand that but still, i'd like to hear him say he cares even if I know he does. And I'd like to hear him say we have a future together even if neither he nor I can make promises, I'd like to know it's a possibility, especially if I am planning on putting time and money into going back and forth from Scotland till I finish my degree, I need some indication it's not for nothing.

And also something which I dont want to admit but then again, isnt something I should be ashamed of is that I have difficulty hearing my ex talk about his new life. It's not that I want to be with him, it's just that it hurts to know I'm nobody important anymore. With time we grow increasingly different and I dont know whats easier - to cut off completely or try to be friends or what. The first option is cowardly but would no doubt be simpler and the second I would like if I could honestly say I have no feelings for him but like all meaningful relationships where you completely give yourself to a person, there's a part that you never get back, it stays with them. So I dont know, I just want not to hurt so that I can be happy for him.

 

[k69atie]

Can I use this thread to vent for a minute? Ok, I'm back in Australia which means I wont see my bf for 7 months. That's scary. I know he cares about me but I cant help feeling scared, not even really because I doubt his feelings will change, but more I worry about my own. Time can change things and I'm worried I wont know how to cope. I wish also he would share his thoughts with me, tell me how much he cares etc. But he has trouble opening up because he's been hurt in the past and I understand that but still, i'd like to hear him say he cares even if I know he does. And I'd like to hear him say we have a future together even if neither he nor I can make promises, I'd like to know it's a possibility, especially if I am planning on putting time and money into going back and forth from Scotland till I finish my degree, I need some indication it's not for nothing.

And also something which I dont want to admit but then again, isnt something I should be ashamed of is that I have difficulty hearing my ex talk about his new life. It's not that I want to be with him, it's just that it hurts to know I'm nobody important anymore. With time we grow increasingly different and I dont know whats easier - to cut off completely or try to be friends or what. The first option is cowardly but would no doubt be simpler and the second I would like if I could honestly say I have no feelings for him but like all meaningful relationships where you completely give yourself to a person, there's a part that you never get back, it stays with them. So I dont know, I just want not to hurt so that I can be happy for him.

Of course you can use it to vent! That is what i made it for!

I can see where you are coming from with your boyfriend, you know he cares about and you hope that you have a future together - but that isn't the same as him telling you all that to your face. A lady (or me!) needs to be told those sort of things, and for you i can only imagine what it must be like (i have never been in the situation you are in now). There must be all sorts running through your head and you must be feeling all sorts of emotions, or maybe even confused about the whole thing ( i know i would be!)

I had a simular problem with dave - not opening up to me cos he had been hurt in the past, he would tell me so much and then stop like he was scared to tell me anymore.

How did you leave? Was it an emotional good bye? Maybe you should tell him how you are feeling? That you need to know that it is worth as you want to know you are not wasting your time (lol maybe not quite put like that but something like that!)

As for the ex thing, i don't know what to say. Are you still friends with him? Maybe you feel it more cos your boyfriend isn't around and you can see how your ex is getting on with his life?

 

[_carmi]

Can I use this thread to vent for a minute? Ok, I'm back in Australia which means I wont see my bf for 7 months. That's scary. I know he cares about me but I cant help feeling scared, not even really because I doubt his feelings will change, but more I worry about my own. Time can change things and I'm worried I wont know how to cope. I wish also he would share his thoughts with me, tell me how much he cares etc. But he has trouble opening up because he's been hurt in the past and I understand that but still, i'd like to hear him say he cares even if I know he does. And I'd like to hear him say we have a future together even if neither he nor I can make promises, I'd like to know it's a possibility, especially if I am planning on putting time and money into going back and forth from Scotland till I finish my degree, I need some indication it's not for nothing.

And also something which I dont want to admit but then again, isnt something I should be ashamed of is that I have difficulty hearing my ex talk about his new life. It's not that I want to be with him, it's just that it hurts to know I'm nobody important anymore. With time we grow increasingly different and I dont know whats easier - to cut off completely or try to be friends or what. The first option is cowardly but would no doubt be simpler and the second I would like if I could honestly say I have no feelings for him but like all meaningful relationships where you completely give yourself to a person, there's a part that you never get back, it stays with them. So I dont know, I just want not to hurt so that I can be happy for him.

it's normal you feel unsecure about your relationship with your boyfriend and that seeing him in 7 months is in a long long time. i guess all you can do to make him open himself to you is to make him trust you more and make him the most comfortable with you. also i think he should come visit you in autralia too. not only you going back and forth.

and for the ex thing, all you can do is give it time. of course, after being very important for him, you feel that with his new life you aren' t important at all. and for course you'll always feel a little thing for him. either you cut him off or stay friends with him. do what's best for you. both of you have grown completely different and both of you have new lives. maybe you give him too much importance. i've always cut off of my ex's. i can't stay friends. it's something i can't do.

 

[k69atie]

I have never stayed friends with many of my ex's either. I dunno why. Just hurt too much i guess.

It must be hard amara, i have read some of the things he has been talking about on here, and no one wants to hear that, even if you are over him. But like you say, you gave a part of him to you that you won't ever get back. Was he your first love? If he was maybe that is why it is so hard for you.

*big hug* girl

 

[_carmi]

I have never stayed friends with many of my ex's either. I dunno why. Just hurt too much i guess.

It must be hard amara, i have read some of the things he has been talking about on here, and no one wants to hear that, even if you are over him. But like you say, you gave a part of him to you that you won't ever get back. Was he your first love? If he was maybe that is why it is so hard for you.

*big hug* girl

yeah especially when he talks about him fucking aroubd and stuff like that. that's stuff you don't wanna know as an ex.

but yeah i never been friends with my exs. not cause they broke my heart cause i actually broke theirs. well my first ex i loved him but i broke up because i wasn't loving him as much as he was because my feelings had decreased in the summer due to the situation we were put in and when i broke up i got depressed and jumped on the first guy that cared about me, which was my bestfriend 5 days after i had broke up. and then a month later i broke up with my bestfriend cause i never loved him, i wasn't even attracted to him. and to put things worst he was in my class in school so i had to see him all the time and our feelings were clearly not mutual. so i broke up and then went through depression and became suicidal because i was feeling lonely and i couldn't deal with the constant fighting with my mom. after all i had been with someone for almost a year straight up, so being single was new to me and i couldn't get used to it.

but still i don't wanna be friends with them because that's how i am. if i want to move forward, i have to leave the past behind.

 

[k69atie]

yeah especially when he talks about him fucking aroubd and stuff like that. that's stuff you don't wanna know as an ex.

but yeah i never been friends with my exs. not cause they broke my heart cause i actually broke theirs. well my first ex i loved him but i broke up because i wasn't loving him as much as he was because my feelings had decreased in the summer due to the situation we were put in and when i broke up i got depressed and jumped on the first guy that cared about me, which was my bestfriend 5 days after i had broke up. and then a month later i broke up with my bestfriend cause i never loved him, i wasn't even attracted to him. and to put things worst he was in my class in school so i had to see him all the time and our feelings were clearly not mutual. so i broke up and then went through depression and became suicidal because i was feeling lonely and i couldn't deal with the constant fighting with my mom. after all i had been with someone for almost a year straight up, so being single was new to me and i couldn't get used to it.

but still i don't wanna be friends with them because that's how i am. if i want to move forward, i have to leave the past behind.

I am the same.


I know a few people that are still friends with their ex's though.