Mistakes

[Ms L]

So I'm sure this isn't exactally the proper place to put this. I know some of you will think it's more of a diary entry or something but I just felt like maybe putting it here and getting some feedback from some of you guys might make a difference instead of writing a diary about it. I also realize after reading this entire thing some of you may laugh at me (totally uncalled for) so I hope none of you do and I hope you all realize I am being really serious and need some serios feedback and not people to laugh at me)

So I woke up one morning after a nice long nights sleep and I had started to suddenly out of the blue thinking about all my lifes past mistakes and about all the mistakes I've made and all the rebelious things I did as a teenager, you know getting involved with the wrong crowd. I've never been in any legal trouble. haha Never got caught doing all the illegal things I've done but never really did anything terrible. I learned a lot about gangs and cliques and bullshit like that. Having rivalrys with other people who come from different "gangs," learning gang signs ect you know bullshit like that. Representin Things I actually really regret and I can't shake off the past and I can't forget all the bullshit I did and after I decided to change my life I moved away from all that and started my life all over again where nobody knew about my past thinkin that my past would never catch up to me and I can pretend like I never threw up or represented things I regret now. I always heard that you're past won't stay hidden forever and I guess that saying is right cuz the things I did haunt me now and I'm afraid of the friends I have now finding out about my past and let me tell you I would be totally humiliated if they found out all the stupid shit I got caught doing in the past, even hearing about the shit I DID in the past but DIDN'T GET CAUGHT DOING in the past. I wish more than anything I could erase all the photos from my past doing certain things because now that I am older I realize what I have done and how wrong they were and I tore up books of photos and even the negatives hoping nobody can make copies of photos I want destroyed hoping nobody would ever find out about them. I just can't shake the feeling like I betrayed my current friends by being who I was in the past and reppin things I would NEVER do now and it makes me feel like a fucking traitor or something

Anyways I could ramble on and on forever about this but I just wanted to put myself out there and see if anybody can help make me feel any better .

Thanks for reading this and if you care I hope somebody can reply and say something that would really help make me feel better and /or what I can do to fix this feeling I have.

*EDITED*-On a side note I am really starting to hate my neighboors and how they judge people and always wanna know your business.
I know totally unrelated but just had to let that out.

 

[Amara]

If they were trully friends they wouldnt care about your past. I never fear my past catching up with me because i know it makes me who I am now. You can look back on everything and think maybe you could have done things differently but at the end of the day, things are how they are and I like to think it is that way for a reason. You learn lessons to make your future better. If those around you dont appreciate that and respect you as you are then they arent worth knowing.

 

[Ms L]

Hey you know. What do I do about the feelings I have about how ashamed I am of myself? I mean it's not just the fact that I am afraid of people finding out about all the stupid shit I did in the past but what do I do about the shame I feel about my own self and How I feel about what I did to myself?

If that makes any sence at all.

 

[Amara]

Hey you know. What do I do about the feelings I have about how ashamed I am of myself? I mean it's not just the fact that I am afraid of people finding out about all the stupid shit I did in the past but what do I do about the shame I feel about my own self and How I feel about what I did to myself?

If that makes any sence at all.

Well it's like I said before, you wouldnt be who you are today if it werent for your past. It shapes you and makes you a wiser person. So there's no need to be ashamed. Basically its your own choice though - let it eat away at you and become weaker or realise you can use it to you own advantage as a person who can identify their mistakes and learn from them.

 

[Ms L]

Good point, Thanks I hope that helps me in the long run.

 

[_carmi]

what amara said.

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Somebody said to me on the weekend: "I dont regret the things I did, only the things I didnt" Which is true. Also Oprah said a few times: "You are not your past, you are the possibility of your future". LOL a few corny quotes but really they have alot of truth to them. You obviously regret things you did growing up but thats just something you had to go through, the fact you realised what you were doing was wrong and changed is a big step because alot of people never do that, so be proud of that. As far as your friends judging you on your past, thats your life if they cant see you for the person you are now then they arnt the type of people you should really care about this much. And finally the shame you feel for yourself, you changed. I would suggest tho if this continues eating away at you, do something to prevent others from following your path that may help you overcome this and realise all the wrongs you did doesnt stop you from making right.