help.. long thread

[shattered dreams]

Okay, look i figured i could trust the girls of this board, to not talk about this to any one else. Well here it goes.
As you all well know by know im six months pregnant. And my boyfriend lives in new york and i live in vegas. So its a cross country relationship. Now we have always had fights and broken up and gotten back together, its one of those relationships. But i have been telling him that i really need him there, and i really have been trying to end the fights. Now we only fight about him not showing me he cares and being there for me.

We have been together for a year and a half. And he still cant seem to be there when i need him to be. I have to ask him to be there. Now, is it just me, or when you have a boyfriend who purposed to you and is having your kid, that he is supossed to know how to help you when your down, and how to be there for you?

I have bene having trouble in the past few days because my mom lost her job, and now we have no money coming in. And today i was really stressing out because of the fact, i dont know whats going to happen with me and my kid, and my boyfriend and all of this shit. I was crying today because of how upset i was, and how stressed out i was. He knew about me being upset. Now, when i was crying he was telling me to look on the positive side, which is good to tell me, it made me stop crying, but its like i still was feeling down. I still was looking for him to be there, to make me feel better. Now maybe twenty minutes pass where im not crying, and he starts talking about how he is horny, and wants to jackoff and shit, And he wanted me to do shit as well. I told him, no because im not in the mood, i have to much on my mind. And then he gets all irritated and tells me fuck it, and then he starts jacking off on the phone with me, while im still feeling down. So i tell him, im hanging up, and he says no. I said i really dont want to be on the phone for this shit, im sitting here fucking upset, and you are being selfish right now. Im so tired of you not being there and me having to tell you when to show me you care.

Then he goes off, on how it would be really fucking wrong for him to show me he cares, while im worrying about my family. Saying that "wtf if i started saying how i love you more than anything while you were worrying about that, that would be fucking odd". I was like, okay but you know im upset and stressing, and you know that when you tell me those things i feel better. So wtf lance why wouldnt you do it. And then i started crying really hard. And he just sat on the phone, not trying to make me stop not trying to make me feel better. but he just sat on the phone being quiet. So i started getting more upset. Now i was in a full out ball, saying WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU JUST BE THERE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE THE ONE I TURNED TO. and just really balling out. And he didnt say anything, everytime i wanted to hang up, he said no. So there i was, stuck on the phone with him, and him hurting me every second by hearing me cry but not being there. (now mind you, hes knows how to be there, and he knows what to do, hes not emotionally stupid, even though im questioning that now).

So then i started bugging out, and i threw the phone, and my mom came in to calm me down. And i was crying so hard i couldnt breath, My mom goes back to get the phone to see if he was still on it, and then its a busy signal so he hung up. So then for an hour i started calling him, and he wouldnt answer his phone, so now not only is he not there, he hung up, and then wouldnt answer his phone.


Now this scenario has happened so many god damn times, its like he tells me from now on hes going to change, and all this shit and hes going to be there, and then he doesnt ever follow through, and tells me hes sorry and wont ever leave me alone when im feeling upset. and this all happens again. Its like i dont want to be with him any longer, But i feel like if im not with him, im nothing and wont ever find someone else. And i dont want aricela my unborn to grow up with her father 3000 miles away because of us. I dont know what to do.
Sorry this thread is so long but i had to get shit off my chest. Things are really hard for me, and i know im hurting my kid when i get that upset, but its like i cant hold it back no matter how hard i try.

So does anyone have any advice of what i should do, and what should happen. Because im at a loss right now.

Thanks. and please dont tell anyone on the board thats not in the do for love, because most of them think that this will make my whole pregnancy a mistake, and will talk shit. and i really dont need that.

Thanks.
Becca

 

[_carmi]

okay first, you're pregnant, and this makes you emotionally unstable. second, unless you really feel that your boyfriend and you it's over and there's no chance of getting better, i think you should try to talk to him, not cry, not yell, but talk.

now i dont think its the right moment, but i have questions for you.

since you are 6 months pregnant now, when the baby is gonna be born, is it still gonna be a long distance relationship, because a baby cannot be grown with a such unstable relationship. since you guys are going to have this baby, when are you gonna live together? i think you should be living together before this baby being born, tp get used to it so after you guys will be more stable for the baby. i think the fact that its long distance makes you have fights like this because at some point siunce he's not living near you, your bf must think that at some point he is not concerned about your family problems and stuff like that because he is not there to see your trouble.

a good talk with him is the ultimate solution. i wont tell you to break with him because you love him and you're having his baby. so talking with him is the only situation remaining. make him understand that life is not easy for you, that you need him to bring you some comfort.

 

[shattered dreams]

i have tried to talk to him, i have tried everything. He just wont change, he is unconcerned, he cares about my family problems, but he wont be there to make me feel better. if that makes sense. And as far as the baby goes, he would be living with me if he could, but he cant hes 17 and his father wont let him even come down to see me. And if we arent together, he wont be living in my house, so he will have to visit the kid. when he wants to see her.

 

[_carmi]

okay so at some point your taking full responsability of the kid. your situation is like divorced parents with the father seeing his kid once a week or a month.

and if his father doesnt even let him come down to see you, how the hell is he going to see the kid?

and about your bf, if he cant change for you or at least TRY to, then he's a desesperated case.. how lnog have you guys been together again?

oh and girl, even if ur not with ur bf anymore, youre never alone and youll find someone else. dont let him BE your life. he's A PART of it, but he's not YOUR LIFE. so take control.

 

[shattered dreams]

he said that when the kid was born, that he was just going to come down here, permission or not. His father is pyshco. And we were together for a year and a half. But i think its ending now.

 

[_carmi]

i'm really sad that this is happening between you two with this baby coming now i hope things get better.

 

[Helena]

^i hope they do too.
u want him to appreciate u and show u he cares? tell him exactly how u feel and then maybe u should back off from im a little...have a break for a while.. make him notice ur not there.
being without u for a while may make him realise what he's missing and he will start to appreciate u more.

this however could go either way it could go how i jus said^ or he could start liking being without u and decide to end the relationship.

it seems like a very difficult situation to be in and all this stress is likely to affect ur child. i do hope things work out for. but just remember that evrything happens for a reason. u have a child on the way and u need to concentrate on your pregnancy and giving birth to a beautiful daughter in a few months time.

 

[shattered dreams]

^ my mom said the exact same thing, and the last time we didnt go a day without talking was a year ago. And yesterday i didnt try contacting him like i usually do. , i usually break down and get scared of losing him so i cave in, and then contact him. but i didnt yesterday, and then i kept signing off and online, and he emails me going, "looking for me, because you keep signing off and on". Not saying we need to talk, or hi how are you, im sorry. or any of that but "are you looking for me?". so then i asked my mom what i should do, and she said dont respond, let him come to you. So i didnt respond to the email. And then he saw me on instant messenger, and he said "looking for me". Once again not saying hello not saying anything but looking for me, i once again did not respond. And then he goes, "whatever im outta here". And i didnt respond to that, and then he signed off.

So then i was going to email him when he went to bed, and i sent the email. and then i kept revising it. And then i finally just figured, fuck it if he wants me back and he wants this to work he will come to me, so needless to say i unsent the email. I cried three times yesterday because of how scared i am to be without him, but i guess this is what i have to do to see what i mean.

But then, i got up in the morning because i couldnt sleep, and i went on instant messenger, and i was waiting for him,because he usually gets online before he goes to school. So i waited to see if he would get online and to see if he would i.m me. and he got online was online five minutes and got off. But at the same time, he got on at 4:10 my time, and he has to leave at 4:15, but needless to say he didnt i.m me. And i noticed that he checked my profile. Hes been checking my profile, the whole time this has been happing. because my profile count went up, and no one else that i knew was online. and no one else has my sn.

So needless to say the first time in a year, we have gone a day without talking, and it just keeps going.

But anyways. Do you guys think im doing the right thing? Should i let him go and see if he comes back? And if he doesnt does it mean he never really loved me? im just scared and worried and hurt.

 

[_carmi]

But anyways. Do you guys think im doing the right thing? Should i let him go and see if he comes back? And if he doesnt does it mean he never really loved me? im just scared and worried and hurt.

if he really cares about you he'll come back. if he doesn't he doesnt know what he's missing.

 

[Helena]

^exactly

your mum is right. let him come to you. if u mean anything to him he will come. don't be scared of him not being there, u will get used to it. and you will survive. you have your mother's support don't u?

 

[k69atie]

if he really cares about you he'll come back. if he doesn't he doesnt know what he's missing.

I agree :thumb:

 

[shattered dreams]

okay girls, i really need your help and advice, after i wrote that, we got back together, he told me he was going to change, told my mom that, and swore on our daughter.
Needless to say, two weeks now has gone by and in the past three days its been nothing but me crying and him hurting me and saying broken words.
Theres certain topics that i only told him, and he knows how sensitive i am to them, and he used them against me in a fight, using everything that he knows hurt me to make me cry. Hours after that he said sorry and ill make it up to you. time goes by, and im wondering why he didnt make it up, i talk to him, just to find out, instead of making it up , he was sitting there rethinking our relationship. So then we fight again, and he says more and more hurtful things to me, he then apologizes and said sorry again, and he will make it up. time goes by, he then i.ms me, i dont want to talk to him so i keep telling him i have to go, because i was still hurt by everything that happened, and i wanted him to make it up to me, and prove he was sorry before talking to him again. He then flips out, and starts giving me real huge attitude, when i ask him why isnt anything done. about how hes not doing shit when im not talking to him. And then continues on with his hurtful attitude, as im sitting there crying he does nothing to make it better, except says oh god in a sarcastic voice. So then time passes, he says sorry AGAIN and how things will be made up, but then gives me an email saying he doesnt have time, he has to go to bed. So then i tell him fine wtf ever tomorrow he better do it. And then tomorrow comes, and he gets home from school, calls me and gives attitude again. Once again saying hurtful things. And then he AGAIN apolgizes and says hes hanging up strictly to go make shit up. four hours later i get a call, and its him, trying to act like everything is fine. And he tells me he started on a letter, but didnt finish it, because he missed me. So now im pissed off because four days now, hes been hurting me hangs up with me to supossedly start making the situation right, and four hours later calls me with a half written letter. So then he tells me hes hanging up and doing it now again. Then the night time passes, and he says he couldnt because his sister was online, but he didnt ask her to get off, because he was too caught up in wrestling. Which means he simply didnt do it, because of wrestling. So then i bug out, telling him he better have something done to start taking my pain away with everything he said, he sends me a poem, that isnt about how much he loves me or how hes sorry, but is about our troubles. Then i tell him tomorrow better be changes or thats it. He always calls me in the morning or email me, so i get up, and see he hasnt emailed me or called, so i call him. And he sits there saying he was planning on calling me, and swears on our daughter he was, when you blantly know that he wasnt. so i started crying asking him why hes doing this to me, that if he doesnt want this relationship anymore, to just say it, and stop dragging me on, he doesnt say anything, except saying leave him alone its too early for this shit, and these comments like oh god oh god and shit. So then he tells me he has to go, and i ask him why are you doing this, and he didnt answer, just kept saying he has to go. i was like no dont hang up without an answer, and he goes im not purposely doing shit, so then he hangs up on me. i call back, going wtf is wrong with you?! how are you going to tell me that you want this relationship and treat me like this and dont even care that im this upset. and he says i have to go. and hangs up again. i call back and as soon as a word comes out, he says dont call me again.
i dont know what to do, i fucking lost him. And the thing that hurt me the most, is last night, even though we were fighting, i wrote him a poem telling him how much i love him, and how i want this fighting to end. Just to get this in the morning. Without him i feel like i can never have another guy, like i dont deserve it, even though he treats me horribly. I dont know what to do, i love him, but im getting treated like shit. And if i dont stay with him he cant be with the baby, because hes 3000 miles away, and is not from a well off family, he cant afford a flight out here. And my mom wont let him live with me, if we arent together. So he will see his daughter once every like five months, when he gets the money, i just wanted something more for my daughter. i had a relationship like that, with my father. And i didnt want that for her, but i dont know what to do. im sitting here crying everytime i talk to him, but crying when i dont.
What do i do?

 

[_carmi]

ignore him. if he truly wants u back and loves u, he'll make it up to you. if he doesnt, well except being badly treated u have lost nothing.

 

[_carmi]

ignore him. if he truly wants u back and loves u, he'll make it up to you. if he doesnt, well except being badly treated u have lost nothing.

 

[Helena]

this post has made me really sad. i feel so bad for you. i can't imagine how you must be feeling. whilst you are pregnant too, that just makes it worse
this stress is not healthy for you, or your baby. it needs to stop and you are the only one to stop it.
what kind of a man is he? i know you cannot help but love him but ask yourself, does he love you? if he truly did would he treat you this way?
i understand that this is a very difficult position that you are in. you love him. and your daughter will need him in her life. to be honest i really do not think he deserves you and he is not man enough to be a father.
can you afford to go away for a while? have a break from all this shit and just concentrate on you and your daughter? because if you can do that, then you should. it will be so good for you right now.
do you honestly think that he will change for you? or even for his daughter? has he shown any improvement so far?
when your daughter is born, and things stay the same, you will be miserable and you will have a baby who constantly needs you. how will you cope?
i know you want your daughter to have a father in her life and that is understandable. there is a chance that he might get his act together once she is born but from what your previous posts, it seems unlikely.

i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help to you but please just look after yourself. for your daughters sake.

 

[Helena]

this post has made me really sad. i feel so bad for you. i can't imagine how you must be feeling. whilst you are pregnant too, that just makes it worse
this stress is not healthy for you, or your baby. it needs to stop and you are the only one to stop it.
what kind of a man is he? i know you cannot help but love him but ask yourself, does he love you? if he truly did would he treat you this way?
i understand that this is a very difficult position that you are in. you love him. and your daughter will need him in her life. to be honest i really do not think he deserves you and he is not man enough to be a father.
can you afford to go away for a while? have a break from all this shit and just concentrate on you and your daughter? because if you can do that, then you should. it will be so good for you right now.
do you honestly think that he will change for you? or even for his daughter? has he shown any improvement so far?
when your daughter is born, and things stay the same, you will be miserable and you will have a baby who constantly needs you. how will you cope?
i know you want your daughter to have a father in her life and that is understandable. there is a chance that he might get his act together once she is born but from what your previous posts, it seems unlikely.

i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help to you but please just look after yourself. for your daughters sake.

 

[lii]

this reminds me so much of what my best friend is going through. ur man is only 17, i dont know how mature He is as an individual but not many guys are at that age, my best friends guy is 20 and hes still immature as fuck. she just had her baby and their relationship was good for a few weeks after their son was born before it all crumbled again and now theyre broken up but shit still going on between them. next time she calls me and tells me they had yet another fight im gonna tell her to forget about him and that its not going to work until theyre on the same level, shes holding on to false hope like this dude is an ASShole he used to be my friend.

even though ur a young mother and i dont know the exact relationship u two have, i would tell u the same thing. obviously hes causing u more hurt than anything else so why be with him? it wouldnt be doing ur child any favors exposing her to fighting parents. its gonna be a lot of work when ur child comes, really not gonna help u to be stressed out bcuz of him

and im sorry i have to go through this but ur not alone, its to many girls going through this but it can be done, u just need support from family and friends

 

[lii]

this reminds me so much of what my best friend is going through. ur man is only 17, i dont know how mature He is as an individual but not many guys are at that age, my best friends guy is 20 and hes still immature as fuck. she just had her baby and their relationship was good for a few weeks after their son was born before it all crumbled again and now theyre broken up but shit still going on between them. next time she calls me and tells me they had yet another fight im gonna tell her to forget about him and that its not going to work until theyre on the same level, shes holding on to false hope like this dude is an ASShole he used to be my friend.

even though ur a young mother and i dont know the exact relationship u two have, i would tell u the same thing. obviously hes causing u more hurt than anything else so why be with him? it wouldnt be doing ur child any favors exposing her to fighting parents. its gonna be a lot of work when ur child comes, really not gonna help u to be stressed out bcuz of him

and im sorry i have to go through this but ur not alone, its to many girls going through this but it can be done, u just need support from family and friends

 

[ArtsyGirl]

Your pregnant so your emotions are all over the place, but I wouldnt be suprised if he's as scared as you are. He's 17 and at that age having the responsibility of a new born on your shoulders would make your head spin. So give him a little slack on that. All the same demand respect since you are the mother of his child. I think demanding a poem expressing his love and devotion to you and getting mad about him only writting about your relationships troubles is being a bit harsh, ofcourse thats what would come out its probably what he's most worried about.
As far as the relationship being over for the moment, realise your young and just because this ONE relationship doesnt seem to work wont mean EVERY relationship wont. There is always someone else out there willing to give you the love you deserve. You love him so he's the one you want, but in some of what you said it seems to me like he knows he's got the power over you, and you need to take that back because relationships need to be balanced. If you feel like you need to hang up on him because he's hurting you and making you upset think of your child and hang up even if he says no. Its better for you and the life you carry inside you. He's not worth her life, be strong and be smart.

 

[Luv4Pac4Ever]

Ya know, I am really sick of these sorry ass "men"-and I use that term VERY loosely-
Girl, if anybody knows what you're going through, I do. My kids' father and I split up two months before my last child was born. I know that you're scared to be without him but let me tell you, you can be. I was the same way. I cried constantly after he left thinking I was so alone and would never be able to live without him let alone raise 3 children by myself. I was so wrong. It's been over 8 years since he left and I'm better without him that I ever was with him. And the best part of it all, he's stuck in a marriage that he can't get out of and miserable as hell. Now I get the satisfaction of living a happy life and watching him be as miserable as I once was. Things happen for a reason. Maybe you don't yet see what that reason could possibly be, but I promise you there is one. I thought the same thing but now I know the reason things happened the way they did is because I wasn't meant to be with him. Maybe y'all just weren't meant to be together, maybe you were. Only time will tell that. But the main thing you need to focus on right now is getting the stress level down for your daughter's sake. Being overly stressed is not good for her or you. I know it's easier for me to sit here and tell you this than it is for you to actually do it but you have to. Sometimes you just hafta say fuck it and let it go, at least until after your little girl is born. She is totally dependant on you right now and your emotions and actions are hers as well. You hafta do what's right for her right now and say the hell with what he wants. Believe me, I know it's hard but it's probably not the hardest thing you'll ever do even if it seems that way at the moment.
I haven't been around much lately, just too much been going on but if you need anything at all, just send me a pm and I'll be sure I at least check my pm's everyday even if I don't do anything else on here.
Good luck and lemme know if you need anything.
Peace
Tina