Case of the Psycho ex! :(

[Helena]

Hey girls i have a lil problem. Ive been seeing this guy for a couple of months now and he's real good to me. Everything's been going great but lately his ex has been callin him up at all hours sayin she loves him and needs him and all this crap. The thing is, he's gets real weird when she calls. like if she calls in the middle of the night at like 2am, he'll get up outta bed and go downstairs instead of telling her to call back in the morning.
The thing that has been fuckin my head up though is that yesterday she called ME saying she'll kill herself if she don't get her man back! so i told my man this and he laughed it off and told me to ignore her. How can i ignore that??!! i dont know her personally but from what ive heard from my man and other ppl she's a bit of a freak. like proper overprotective. What if she really does do sumthin stupid? can sum1 plz tell me what the best thing is to do?

 

[Amara]

Actually, one of my friends had a similar problem - her man's ex would call him and her all the time. Got pretty bad, this freak was calling her at work, swearing at her and all that crap. In any case, have you spoken to him about it and told him that it bothers you? I cant imagine I would handle being in that situation very well. If you are with someone I dont think its unreasonable to want to be free from the annoyances of exs... perhaps overtime she will come to accept that he has moved on and is happy with you. Talking to him would probably be the best option for now.

 

[~live2tell~]

My current bf has a psycho ex, she even went as far to say she was pregnant by him! The best thing to do is for you to be calm and just try to ignore her... don't let her mind games ruin what you and your bf have. The best thing for him to do is be nice but firm with her. Eventually she will understand that he has moved on and will hopefully do the same. It won't happen overnight though these things take time. Just try not to let her come between you two.

 

[k69atie]

i would have a word with your boyf, there is no need for her to be calling all the time, so why doesn't he tell her so? if it was i would be so annoyed at him actually getting out of bed at 2am in the morn. i would be asking him why he feels the need that he still has to talk to her? tell her to get over it. or tell her if she keeps ringing you will phone the police! she sounds like a nutter, you don't want her coming between you and your man

 

[Helena]

Thanks everyone. im goin to speak to him about it asap. i just don't want to fall out with him over her. I'm not the kinda person who'll get the police involved. I'd rather deal with it myself but if this shit don't stop im gonna have to! anyway, he's comin round in a few hours so i'll let u knw what happens! thanks for the advice! :thumb: You ppl are great!

 

[k69atie]

^ let us know how you get on, you don't actually have to get the police involved but if you have tried anything else and nothing works just threaten with it as a last hope. hopefully it won't come to that though. Good luck girl

 

[Helena]

Well, i spoke to him and he's basically said to me that he's going to be there for her if she needs him. He said that she's unstable and that he wouldnt be able to live with himself if anything happened to her and it was because of him. I told him that i didn't like all the secrecy wen she calls and he said the only reason he does that is because he doesn't want me invovled and he thought it might've upset me. He said that he understands how i must feel but there's not much he can do about it at the moment.
I must say though, i think i handled it pretty well. i didn't start screwin at all! he was makin me soo angry wen he was sayin that! i just dont understand y the fuck can't she get some1 else 2 support her, and yeh maybe she does love him, but he's with ME now! i think the next step for me is to end it with him, he has tooo much baggage and i know it's not really his fault, but i can't be dealing with shit like this.

so.... do u girls think i'm makin the right decision???!

 

[k69atie]

i don't blame you, i couldn't deal with it either, i mean she is his ex, has he not thought how that would make you feel? why does he feel he has to be there for her, surely she has friends?

 

[~live2tell~]

I think finishing with him is the wrong decision, give his ex more time to get over him. You've told him how you feel now, so he shouldn't feel the need to be secretive about things. Just see how it goes, if in a few months time things haven't got any better - then think about whether this relationship is worth it. But I wouldn't write things off just yet, and I certainly wouldn't let his ex win this one either!

 

[Helena]

yeh but i guess they must have been very close for her to still be in contact. he says that she doesn't want him anymore and that they agreed to stay friends but she's obviously not stickin to that cuz she's tellin him she loves him everyday.
she does have friends, i see her around with them all the time, i don't now if her friends are there for her or not but seen as it's my man she wants, she feels she gots to harrass him.
i know for a fact he doesn't want to get back with her. If he wanted to, he would. he's pretty straightforward like that. i know he wants me but he's clinging to the hope that she'll get over him and move on.
Oh i don't know. This shit is really mashing my head up. i can't be bothered with it!

 

[Amara]

Perhaps he might need to think of the situation like this: if she is unstable and reliant on him, she wont get better, she wont move forward until she can find a way to overcome her feelings for him. By answering her calls and giving her the attention she seeks, he is inadvertently rewarding her for acting in this unstable manner... it may be that she wont stop, she wont leave the two of you alone whilst she sees a gain from interfering. And whether he likes it or not, you are involved.. there's no denying that. Rather than give up, if it were me, I would try and work the situation in my favour.. I'd make him see that what is in her best interests is that she be able to find some independence, get her life back on track without having to rely heavily on someone else and that he is perhaps making the problem worse by not realising this...

 

[k69atie]

^^^ great advice. also have you made him aware how rubbish this makes you feel by him still having contact with his ex? he needs to know that you need him too, you are his girlfriend. like amara said she may never stop calling him and you don't want that.

how often does she call?

 

[~live2tell~]

Try reversing the situation too.

Like if this were your ex calling you, what would you do (I know Amara is gonna say something like 'cut him off' lol). But I can remember when I broke up with one of my ex's whom was prob like the first person I ever had strong feelings for and it was really difficult to move on because he was still calling me, at the time I thought it was cus he wanted me back (and maybe it was a little), but it's more than that.

If you're in a close relationship with someone and suddenly that disappears its kinda like you need to still be in contact with them because that's all you're used to.

I think you really need to cut your boyfriend some slack here, he's in a difficult position too, it's gotta be hard on him having to be there for her (prob out of guilt more than anything) whilst trying not to put your relationship at risk.

You mentioned before that he is a decent guy - I think that this proves it.

I say trust him for now and if it doesn't improve then do something about it.

 

[k69atie]

^^ i had a case of an ex who wouldn't leave me alone and even though when we went out i loved him, i couldn't be doing with him ringing and begging for me back all the time, he even went as far as sitting outside my house in his car! (i lived about a 30 mins drive away from him!) it did my head in! i wouldn't answer it,i would make other people answer my phone cos i couldn't be doing with it.

 

[~live2tell~]

^^ i had a case of an ex who wouldn't leave me alone and even though when we went out i loved him, i couldn't be doing with him ringing and begging for me back all the time, he even went as far as sitting outside my house in his car! (i lived about a 30 mins drive away from him!) it did my head in! i wouldn't answer it,i would make other people answer my phone cos i couldn't be doing with it.

Yeah but was it a deep relationship? Were the two of you real close or not?

 

[k69atie]

yeah we were, i just couldn't cope with him, he was older as well. he used to say the same sort of stuff how he couldn't live without me etc. it got to the point where i didn't answer my phone cos he used to shout at me and say horrible stuff which was upsetting. he finally stopped after my brother went to have a quite word with him when he was parked outside my house for like the 1000th time (he would sit outside and phone me and ask me what i was doing)

 

[Helena]

Amara, live2tell, K69atie! great advice!
I'm going to take your advice Amara, but i'm worried he won't see it like that, he's such a nice guy, he'll be too scared of hurting her feelings if he broke all contact off with her, and worried that she'll carry out her threats of suicide. But given time, hopefully, i'll get him to see it from that point of view.
She calls him everyday, without fail, mostly late at night. She's only rang me and spoke the once but today somebody rang me twice and just listened to my voice untill i put the phone down.
The funny thing is, and this has been bothering me a lot, is that ive been feeling very insecure lately. he gives her soo much attention and it's been makin me question myself (like my looks) and his feelings towards me (does he not like me enough). He knows how i feel about it, it's not exactly doing wonders for my self-esteem, having another woman in our relationship.
live2tell, i understand what you are saying, but if i was in a close relationship with someone and we broke up and he got with sum1 else, no matter how much i felt i needed him, i wouldn't ring him all the time like she does. It's because i wouldn't do it myself that i find it hard to understand why she's doing it!
I know he's in a difficult position, i understand that completely, i want us to work through this i really do but it's hard, and i really don't want to be invovled.
anyway, thanks for the advice! i'd rep u all again but it won't let me!

 

[Amara]

People are stronger than they think. It might seem like the end of the world to her, that doesnt mean she wont get over it though. With time the hurt eases. It's not up to you or your bf to soften life for her... we all face hardship and sometimes wanna end it, that doesnt give us the right to make life difficult for those we supposedly love. If she is that silly, then I stand by my opinion that she will only get worse if she's given pity. Maybe thats harsh of me, but people own their actions and should take control of their own lives rather than manipulating feelings of guilt in others.

It's easy to say, but dont ever let other people make you feel insecure. I've spend 21 years being like that, and it sucks. You are beautiful and deserve someone who will provide for you the kind of relationship that you want. I know I sound like Dr Phil, but I dont care. I'm serious. lol. Dont ever let others bring down your self esteem - once you dig a hole like that, it's very difficult to get out of.

 

[~live2tell~]

Let us know how it goes Helena, good luck

 

[Helena]

People are stronger than they think. It might seem like the end of the world to her, that doesnt mean she wont get over it though. With time the hurt eases. It's not up to you or your bf to soften life for her... we all face hardship and sometimes wanna end it, that doesnt give us the right to make life difficult for those we supposedly love. If she is that silly, then I stand by my opinion that she will only get worse if she's given pity. Maybe thats harsh of me, but people own their actions and should take control of their own lives rather than manipulating feelings of guilt in others.

It's easy to say, but dont ever let other people make you feel insecure. I've spend 21 years being like that, and it sucks. You are beautiful and deserve someone who will provide for you the kind of relationship that you want. I know I sound like Dr Phil, but I dont care. I'm serious. lol. Dont ever let others bring down your self esteem - once you dig a hole like that, it's very difficult to get out of.

Thanks, ur advice was really helpfull!
Well we had a row, over something completely different and he came round today and i told him i want a break for a lil while to clear my head, he said it's a good idea so now i'm going to have some "me" time! All that stuff about his ex, he knows how i feel. now it's up to him to do sumthin about it while i'm not around. i just need a break from it all!