Official "Tell Me A Joke" Thread
- Thread starter Illuminattile
- Start date
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
........................................
Me And You Is Friends ...
You Smile, I Smile .....
You Hurt, I Hurt ....
You Cry, I Cry ...
You Jump Off A Bridge ...
I'm Gonna Miss You
None, it should be open when she brings it to you.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.
........................................
Me And You Is Friends ...
You Smile, I Smile .....
You Hurt, I Hurt ....
You Cry, I Cry ...
You Jump Off A Bridge ...
I'm Gonna Miss You
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, a bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail for contempt."
..............................................................................................
A recently published survey has revealed that 90% of Raiders fans have had sex in the shower.
The other 10% have yet to go to prison.
..............................................................................................
Success
At age 4 success is… not peeing your pants
At age 12 success is…having friends
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license
At age 35 success is…having money
At age 50 success is…having money
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license
At age 75 success is…having friends
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants.
...............................................................................................
:laugh:
sorry for the double post, but i had found more and the edit button wasnt working.
EDIT: IT IS NOW.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, a bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail for contempt."
..............................................................................................
A recently published survey has revealed that 90% of Raiders fans have had sex in the shower.
The other 10% have yet to go to prison.
..............................................................................................
Success
At age 4 success is… not peeing your pants
At age 12 success is…having friends
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license
At age 35 success is…having money
At age 50 success is…having money
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license
At age 75 success is…having friends
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants.
...............................................................................................
:laugh:
sorry for the double post, but i had found more and the edit button wasnt working.
EDIT: IT IS NOW.
whats the worst thing about eating a vegetable?
putting her back in her wheelchair when you're done
*******************************************
whats the worst thing about eating hairless pussy?
putting her diaper back on when you're done.
*******************************************
which is easier to unload from the bed of a truck, a bunch of bricks or a bunch of dead babies?
dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.
*******************************************
whats the best thing about doing a 1 yr old?
your dick looks bigger in its hand.
the worst thing?
hearing their back break
*******************************************
whats the best thing about doing 21 yr olds?
there are twenty of them [twenty, one year olds. get it?]
*******************************************
how do you keep niggers out of your backyard?
hang one in the front [that kentucky shit is startin to show, eh?]
*******************************************
whats the flattest thing to iron your pants on?
a white girls ass [so the blacks wont get mad for me posting a black joke]
*******************************************
just a few i could think of off the top of my head.
putting her back in her wheelchair when you're done
*******************************************
whats the worst thing about eating hairless pussy?
putting her diaper back on when you're done.
*******************************************
which is easier to unload from the bed of a truck, a bunch of bricks or a bunch of dead babies?
dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.
*******************************************
whats the best thing about doing a 1 yr old?
your dick looks bigger in its hand.
the worst thing?
hearing their back break
*******************************************
whats the best thing about doing 21 yr olds?
there are twenty of them [twenty, one year olds. get it?]
*******************************************
how do you keep niggers out of your backyard?
hang one in the front [that kentucky shit is startin to show, eh?]
*******************************************
whats the flattest thing to iron your pants on?
a white girls ass [so the blacks wont get mad for me posting a black joke]
*******************************************
just a few i could think of off the top of my head.
A Chicken Farmer buys a new Cock for his chicken coup. In the coup is one old cock and four hens. The old cock says to the new one "All these hens here are my pieces of ass. However, because I'm approaching my time and getting old, if you can win a race of two laps round the coup, I will let you have all the hens to yourself. All I ask is a five second head start due to my age and physical handicap." The new cock stands up proud, puffs out his chest and says "your on Granddad". The race starts, and fifteen seconds later the farmer pulls out his shotgun and busts a 12 gauge into the new cocks head and says: "damn, that is the fifth gay Cockrel I have bought this month."
how do you stop a nigger from drowning?
take your foot off his head
or you dont
what happened when a nigger looked up his family tree??
a gorilla shat on his face
what's the difference between a roadkill possum and a roadkill nigger?
the possum had skid marks in front of it'
why arent there roller coasters in china?
the people there are too short to ride the rides..
why is a woman's asshole and pussy so close together?
so when she passes out on your floor, you can pick her up like a case of beer and throw her out
why is it so hard for a woman to pee in the morning?
shit, you try peeing through a grilled cheese sandwich..
what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?
a grilled cheese sandwich...
thank you.. time for me to bow out before i get banned
take your foot off his head
or you dont
what happened when a nigger looked up his family tree??
a gorilla shat on his face
what's the difference between a roadkill possum and a roadkill nigger?
the possum had skid marks in front of it'
why arent there roller coasters in china?
the people there are too short to ride the rides..
why is a woman's asshole and pussy so close together?
so when she passes out on your floor, you can pick her up like a case of beer and throw her out
why is it so hard for a woman to pee in the morning?
shit, you try peeing through a grilled cheese sandwich..
what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?
a grilled cheese sandwich...
thank you.. time for me to bow out before i get banned
A businessman goes to the same hotel every year on business, and the same bellboy gets him hookers every year. One year the businessman comes to the hotel but the bellboy cannot find him any hookers. As an alternative, the bellboy decides just to get the business drunk out of his mind and get him a blow up doll, figuring the businessman will be much too drunk to notice. The morning after the conversation is as follows:
Bellboy: "How was your date last night sir?"
Businessman: "It was great, man. Thanks, but she was the wierdest girl I've EVER met."
Bellboy: "Well, what to you mean?"
Businessman: "Well, she was real sexy and everything. Everything was going good, she seemed really into it, but then I started to nibble on her neck and the damn bitch farted and jumped out the window!"
Bellboy: "How was your date last night sir?"
Businessman: "It was great, man. Thanks, but she was the wierdest girl I've EVER met."
Bellboy: "Well, what to you mean?"
Businessman: "Well, she was real sexy and everything. Everything was going good, she seemed really into it, but then I started to nibble on her neck and the damn bitch farted and jumped out the window!"
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