I literally think I'm cursed

Rukas

Rukas

Capo Dei Capi
Staff member
#1
#1
Let's examine the last four years of my life.

  • Think it started when I found out my gf of 6 months who was basically living with me 80% of the time was married
  • Mother was diagnosed with Stage 3c Ovarian cancer, went through surgery, radiation therapy and chemo -- got through it, supported her financially for over a year
  • All good with a new GF for a year and a half, talking about rings, her brother dies in motorcycle accident -- relationship doesn't recover and degrades into a living emotional hell until I finally call it quits 6 months later, meanwhile helping the family out financially
  • Best friend is facing 20 years in jail for the accident, I don't want to go into too much detail here, culpable driving causing death. Trial is this October.
  • Meet new girl, things good (spoiler alert: she’s amazing), I lose my licence (my own fault Ill own that one) for a month -- not a big deal
  • I lose my job, unemployed for 4 months. Burn through any savings I had left.
  • Get a new job, we decide to get a new place together, move in December 4th last year, she's the one, definitely made all the other drama seem worth it and things were finally good...
  • December 17th my car is written off in a hail storm
  • December 24th I crash my motorbike (not my fault) on the way to the airport to see my mom, break my fib and tib, dislocate ankle. Now have a 295mm rod through my lower leg and screws up and down, in bed for 2 months, no work no money, have to learn to walk again, my knee is fucked, still cant climb stairs or stand up on my own, physio twice a week, constantly in pain to this day.
  • Even with that, life is starting to feel like a new normal and things are good, happy again, starting to talk about getting married next year
  • Mom goes in for a check up. Cancer has spread to her liver. Back to chemo, but I'm determined that we will beat the odds and beat it. Somehow.

Between laying awake stressing about my mom or stressing about money or stressing about my leg and recovery or work and whatever, I'm thankful for what I have. Some moments I feel like if it wasn't needing to be there for mom and if it wasn't for my girlfriend I'd blow my brains out. And sometimes I just need to vent... But fuck me I definitely feel like I am cursed or was a terrible person in a past life and am paying for it now.
 
dilla

dilla

Trumpfan17 aka Coonie aka Dilla aka Tennis Dog
#4
#4
Well, the silver lining, if there is one, is that a lot of this was beyond your control. It's a lot worse when you're your own worst enemy and you can trace the lineage of the shit-storm right back to your own actions/inactions.

You took chances on people and situations, some panned out, some didn't.

Better than not having done anything at all and gone where the winds took you.
 
Rukas

Rukas

Capo Dei Capi
Staff member
#5
#5
Coonie said:
Well, the silver lining, if there is one, is that a lot of this was beyond your control. It's a lot worse when you're your own worst enemy and you can trace the lineage of the shit-storm right back to your own actions/inactions.

You took chances on people and situations, some panned out, some didn't.

Better than not having done anything at all and gone where the winds took you.
Click to expand...
I feel like every time life starts going well, something happens out of my control, be it a death, cancer, loss of a job, an accident. I can honestly see why people would be like "fuck, why do I bother?"
 
Tha_Wood

Tha_Wood

Underboss
Staff member
#7
#7
Man if there's one thing I've learnt from my decade plus of self sabotage you come out stronger on the other end.

Side note I go to see a psychologist once a month to talk through all the shit in my head and I find it really helpful. Always leave feeling better than when I went in, except for one time.
 
masta247

masta247

Well-Known Member
Staff member
#8
#8
I can get behind the psychologist part. If you find a good/nice one, that's a great thing to do during harder times, for real. I went a couple of times as a teenager when I thought it's stupid (but I had no clue what else to do, I was mildly depressed for weeks, without any breaks), and it helped me a lot. Online message boards are probably the second best place, lol. I think part of it is just talking to someone you can freely share your thoughts with honestly (with friends you usually filter or feel ashamed of some stuff going on in your head, which ends up not feeling fully helpful) and another part is getting unbiased, logical feedback that can really help. They also make you feel like no matter what, they have your shit under control, even if you've had trouble keeping it that way.

I also agree that some tough times are the best places to grow from. I had a tough financial situation for a couple of months, where I was basically out of money to come back to my country or to pay for rent. I discovered Upwork, which led me to build some location independent income and then passive income that I now work on in my spare time even when working full time, and I really appreciate the whole experience now, as I'm fairly confident that I wouldn't have to rely on a single workplace to avoid being in such situations again.
I also know who's really got my back.

For the "life" shit, it's a bit different, and I'm genuinely sorry. I hate when cancer, illnesses and other such shit happens. I really don't like it when something's outside of my control, and my mom becoming seriously sick is one of my biggest fears, especially knowing that as she ages, it can happen at any time, so I really can empathize. I figured out that the best thing to do is to realize that it indeed is outside of your control and to focus on stuff that you can actually do to make the situation as good as it can be.
 
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_carmi

_carmi

me, myself & us
#9
#9
Vent it all out. We won’t judge.

And yes seeing a psychologist might help cope with this series of hardships. Never a bad thing to consult one.
 
Tha_Wood

Tha_Wood

Underboss
Staff member
#10
#10
I can tell you not to deal with it. Become an alcoholic, stop drinking get addicted to speed. Find that speeds not doing it for you then make the jump to meth. Take xanax to help balance out the meth. Do that for around 5 years while throwing down a good dose of painkillers for the fuck of it. Get clean for 18 months only to fall ass backwards into a valium addiction.
 
Rukas

Rukas

Capo Dei Capi
Staff member
#11
#11
Tha_Wood said:
I can tell you not to deal with it. Become an alcoholic, stop drinking get addicted to speed. Find that speeds not doing it for you then make the jump to meth. Take xanax to help balance out the meth. Do that for around 5 years while throwing down a good dose of painkillers for the fuck of it. Get clean for 18 months only to fall ass backwards into a valium addiction.
Click to expand...
Give me the valiums so you can't take them.... It'll help with my coke come downs.
 
Tha_Wood

Tha_Wood

Underboss
Staff member
#12
#12
Rukas said:
Give me the valiums so you can't take them.... It'll help with my coke come downs.
Click to expand...
I'm actually in the process of tapering off them through a doctor so over the next 3 weeks I'm going to be reducing my daily dosage and then hopefully I should be all good.
 
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