I decided to make this thread after reading through the pages of Shadows thread in "Words of Wisdom."
It was Preach, actually, who took a really big step in that thread by pretty much pouring his heart out and very candidly admitting what he believed to be his shortcomings and faults. I want to commend him for that, as it is not something a lot of people can do. Masta followed behind him with a somewhat similar post.
I'm not really sure what is going to be said in this thread, although I can say right now that I have a million things to say and quite possibly no way to say any of them. Although I will try.
This will probably have to be discussed in 2-3 threads, so I will label them accordingly.
Something Preach said stuck a chord with me. He said something like, "I'm passed the 'girls like nice guys and i'm a nice guy so wtf' stage. Something about his story about a girl that he chased after for 3 years, poured out his feelings to, and then got shut down resonated with me at all. Especially the talk about depression and darkness that followed.
Lastly, I got to thinking about Jokerman's assertion that people need to differentiate between the person they think they are and the person they actually are. That's hit me quite heavily and I immediately found myself thinking very deeply about this.
I suppose the first thing that should be discussed amid this whole larger context is past history and experiences. After all, I believe we are a product of our past experiences; they shape us, mold us into who we inevitably become. Some of these experiences are traumatic, others are wonderful.
Something I find myself thinking about quite often is the answer to the question, "Are you happy?" And I don't mean happy in the moment, or that week, or even that year. I mean, happy in a general sense. I honestly have to answer "no" to that question. Sure, I have happy moments, happy times - i am happy out with friends, watching a good movie, hearing that I'm getting a raise, etc. But beneath the surface of it all I'm very unhappy. This unhappiness brings about anger, frustration.
And then I ask myself when was the last time I could say that I was happy and I realize that I really don't know. I think probably in 3rd grade I have happy memories of a stress free/guilt free life. I spent time with friends in class and we'd play tick tac toe under the table during snack time. 3rd grade was a long fucking time ago. I'm 26 years old. That's a lot of years spent at least marginally if not severely, unhappy. So am I unhappy with the world or am I unhappy with myself? The answer is probably both.
I'm convinced this unhappiness grew slowly, each bad experience piled on top of another, the good experiences perhaps becoming fewer and far between, weighing down on me until I was hit with the realization that the general feeling of happiness was no longer with me. But then I feel guilty. What right do I have to complain about anything? I have a job and a roof over my head, friends and family who care about me. I don't go to bed at night hungry or dirty. I have so much to be thankful for.
And the guilt just makes it worse. The more the unhappiness pervades, the more confidence and self-esteem crumbles and that too, makes it worse. Now you're in a deeper hole and it's hard to see the light. But no one could ever guess this. I keep it shut in, locked down inside where no one can see or reach it.
I want to go back and change so many things, do so much of it differently. I know that's impossible, but the scars of the past haunt my present, drag it down over my head.
I wonder if these feelings will ever fade, if things will ever change. It's possible but doubtful. And since I can't change the past, I vow never to make those same decisions that later inflicted so much pain upon me:
I won't play games with people. I am upfront and honest, clear about my intentions. I hope for the best. I know this is problematic because most people aren't like this.
I refuse to waste time. Like Preach, I wasted about three years chasing something I could never catch. I put my heart and soul into it, every ounce of my energy, every waking thought, every ounce of who I was. And that failure is carried with me today. I doubt I can ever get past it.
I won't go after girls with boyfriends, despite how much they confide in me that they detest them. I learned that in this scenario, it is never about you and her. It's about her using you to help her out of her own personal mess.
I don't believe in people. They often take advantage of my loyalty, use me to their serve their own purposes.
I suppose that's enough of a rant. I'll tackle some of the aforementioned ideas in Part 2.
It was Preach, actually, who took a really big step in that thread by pretty much pouring his heart out and very candidly admitting what he believed to be his shortcomings and faults. I want to commend him for that, as it is not something a lot of people can do. Masta followed behind him with a somewhat similar post.
I'm not really sure what is going to be said in this thread, although I can say right now that I have a million things to say and quite possibly no way to say any of them. Although I will try.
This will probably have to be discussed in 2-3 threads, so I will label them accordingly.
Something Preach said stuck a chord with me. He said something like, "I'm passed the 'girls like nice guys and i'm a nice guy so wtf' stage. Something about his story about a girl that he chased after for 3 years, poured out his feelings to, and then got shut down resonated with me at all. Especially the talk about depression and darkness that followed.
Lastly, I got to thinking about Jokerman's assertion that people need to differentiate between the person they think they are and the person they actually are. That's hit me quite heavily and I immediately found myself thinking very deeply about this.
I suppose the first thing that should be discussed amid this whole larger context is past history and experiences. After all, I believe we are a product of our past experiences; they shape us, mold us into who we inevitably become. Some of these experiences are traumatic, others are wonderful.
Something I find myself thinking about quite often is the answer to the question, "Are you happy?" And I don't mean happy in the moment, or that week, or even that year. I mean, happy in a general sense. I honestly have to answer "no" to that question. Sure, I have happy moments, happy times - i am happy out with friends, watching a good movie, hearing that I'm getting a raise, etc. But beneath the surface of it all I'm very unhappy. This unhappiness brings about anger, frustration.
And then I ask myself when was the last time I could say that I was happy and I realize that I really don't know. I think probably in 3rd grade I have happy memories of a stress free/guilt free life. I spent time with friends in class and we'd play tick tac toe under the table during snack time. 3rd grade was a long fucking time ago. I'm 26 years old. That's a lot of years spent at least marginally if not severely, unhappy. So am I unhappy with the world or am I unhappy with myself? The answer is probably both.
I'm convinced this unhappiness grew slowly, each bad experience piled on top of another, the good experiences perhaps becoming fewer and far between, weighing down on me until I was hit with the realization that the general feeling of happiness was no longer with me. But then I feel guilty. What right do I have to complain about anything? I have a job and a roof over my head, friends and family who care about me. I don't go to bed at night hungry or dirty. I have so much to be thankful for.
And the guilt just makes it worse. The more the unhappiness pervades, the more confidence and self-esteem crumbles and that too, makes it worse. Now you're in a deeper hole and it's hard to see the light. But no one could ever guess this. I keep it shut in, locked down inside where no one can see or reach it.
I want to go back and change so many things, do so much of it differently. I know that's impossible, but the scars of the past haunt my present, drag it down over my head.
I wonder if these feelings will ever fade, if things will ever change. It's possible but doubtful. And since I can't change the past, I vow never to make those same decisions that later inflicted so much pain upon me:
I won't play games with people. I am upfront and honest, clear about my intentions. I hope for the best. I know this is problematic because most people aren't like this.
I refuse to waste time. Like Preach, I wasted about three years chasing something I could never catch. I put my heart and soul into it, every ounce of my energy, every waking thought, every ounce of who I was. And that failure is carried with me today. I doubt I can ever get past it.
I won't go after girls with boyfriends, despite how much they confide in me that they detest them. I learned that in this scenario, it is never about you and her. It's about her using you to help her out of her own personal mess.
I don't believe in people. They often take advantage of my loyalty, use me to their serve their own purposes.
I suppose that's enough of a rant. I'll tackle some of the aforementioned ideas in Part 2.
