Super Bowl Shuffle?

Casey

Well-Known Member
Staff member
#2
This September marks the 10th anniversary of the "death" of 2pac. I put death in quotes because I still think 'Pac is chillin' in the Dominican, drinking Hennessey, smoking blunts and throwing boat parties that would make Fred Smoot blush. But that's neither here nor there.
Either way, it's been ten years since 2pac left us and to commerate, today's Chaz Rankings will pay tribute to the greatest rapper of all-time.
Each team is ranked alongside the 'Pac song that best represents them. And while I was a little upset 2pac never recorded a song entitled, "Crybaby, Overthrowing Daddy's Boy," I tried to make it work anyway.

1) Cincinnati Bengals (3-0, Last week: #4)
2 of Americaz Most Wanted
You’ll be surprised to know that picking a 2pac song to define the Bengals was about as difficult as picking a Judy Garland tune to characterize Derek Jeter.

2) Chicago Bears (3-0, #2)
The Super Bowl Shuffle
Little known fact: After producers determined Walter Payton’s rap wasn’t up to the level of Willie Gaults and William Perry’s, they dubbed in a new vocal performed by a 14-year old from Baltimore. His name? Tupac Shakur.

3) Indianapolis Colts (3-0, #5)
White Man’s World
At least until the playoffs… Right, Peyton?

4) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1, #1)
U Don’t Have 2 Worry
Playing on the road after a short week, the Jags handled the Colts for the first half and were done in by a plethora of mistakes in the second. They might not be the best team in the AFC, but there’s still time.

6) Baltimore Ravens (3-0, #3)
When We Ride On Our Enemies
The last thing Ravens fans want to hear are “ride”, “enemies” and “Ray Lewis” in the same sentence because the last time that happened…

7) San Diego Chargers (2-0, #7)
California Love
The Bolts are the only Cali team with a record over .500.

8) Denver Broncos (2-1, #21)
Y’all Don’t Know Us
Denver loses to St. Louis, struggles with a Damon Huard-led Chiefs team and then comes out and dismantles the defending AFC East champs. No, I don’t know them at all.

9) Philadelphia Eagles (2-1, #12)
Check Out Time
Usually the middle of the 4th quarter for the Eagles, maybe a little earlier if it’s the playoffs.

10) New England Patriots (2-1, #9)
Lie To Kick It
2pac said, “you ain’t gotta lie to kick it.” But maybe Stephen Gostkowski should try, ‘cause the truth sure ain’t helpin too much.

11) New Orleans Saints (2-1, #14)
Still I Rise
Wow; the Saints laid a beatdown on Atlanta last night. It just shows what the emotion of watching Billie Joe Armstrong perform can do.

12) Atlanta Falcons (3-0, #6)
Brenda’s Got A Baby
And there’s about a 75% chance its Michael Vick’s.
(About this ranking: I’ve never been a big fan of the Mora-led Falcons but, honestly, I don’t think the ’66 Packers would have won in the Superdome last night. Everybody who picked Atlanta totally underestimated how much the sense of occasion and rabid crowd would play into the Saints' hands. I’m still not sold on Atlanta, but they can’t be criticized too much for the loss. Except for Michael Vick. Because he looked f-in terrible.)

11) Minnesota Vikings (2-1, #11)
Starin’ Through My Rear View
Replace the word “through” with “at” and “my” with “the” and then add-on “of two strippers performing a full-contact lap dance” at the end, and you’ll sum up Fred Smoot’s Friday nights.

12) Seattle Seahawks (3-0, #13)
I’m Gettin Money
That’s what Shaun Alexander has been saying to himself when deciding whether to hit the snooze or go workout these past few weeks.

13) Dallas Cowboys (1-1, #16)
Picture Me Rollin’
Reports out of Dallas indicate Bill Parcells is contemplating retirement once again. Frankly, I don’t think I can bare another winter of “will they or won’t they” stories about Parcells, Roger Clemens and Brett Favre. One of them, I could withstand. All three? That might kill me. Maybe Parcells could eat the other two. Yeah, that could work.

14) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2, #8)
Blasphemy
Maybe it’s time to give Big Ben a breather. But only for a little, just to see how it feels.

15) St. Louis Rams (2-1, #20)
Keep Ya Head Up
Because you never quite know just when Kurt Warner will fumble and hand you a football game of a silver platter.

16) Carolina Panthers (1-2, #23)
Panther Power
It’s fitting that the one Carolina player who has most exemplified Pac’s “Panther Power” is kicker John Kasay.

17) Washington Redskins (1-2, #22)
Under Pressure
Mark Brunell throws for 22 straight completions. George Steinbrenner is said to be interested in signing the 36-year old signal caller to play third base in the playoffs.

18) New York Jets (2-1, #18)
Hail Mary
When Chad Pennington does his, he only gets to “full of grace” before his arm gives out.

19) New York Giants (1-2, #10)
Mama’s Just a Little Girl
And so is Eli Manning.

21) Buffalo Bills (1-2, #17)
Thug Passion
I’m not exactly sure how one defines “thug passion,” but I do know J.P. Losman exemplifies it. As do me and my buddy Falkow in this pic from sophomore year of college (right).

22) Arizona Cardinals (1-2, #15)
I Wonder If Heaven Got A Ghetto
Because Edgerrin James knows for damn sure there ain’t one in Phoenix.

23) San Francisco 49ers (1-2, #19)
Hold On, Be Strong
Frankly, 49ers coaches would just be happy if Frank Gore could take care of the former.

24) Miami Dolphins (1-2, #24)
Changed Man
Twenty-one months ago, Daunte Culpepper finished one of the greatest statistical seasons for a quarterback in football history. Today, he’s barely holding off Joey Harrington.

25) Green Bay Packers (1-2, #28)
Toss It Up
This will be the name of the Lifetime Original Movie about Brett Favre’s life, starring Haley Joel Osmont. Ed Hochuli’s forearms will appear as themself.

26) Kansas City Chiefs (0-2, #25)
When Thugz Cry
The Chiefs no longer have to worry about dealing with this, as Dick Vermeil retired after last season.

27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3, #26)
Whatz Ya Phone #
Said Jon Gruden today to Jeff George, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf and, presumably, Y.A. Tittle.

28) Cleveland Browns (0-3, #27)
Strugglin’
Romeo Crennel should really think about signing Suge Knight (in red jacket).

29) Houston Texans (0-3, #30)
Young Black Male
Pick one and I guarantee he'll play better than Mario Williams.

30) Detroit Lions (0-3, #29)
Point the Finga
Most Lions fans have already done this towards Matt Millen. And a good majority of them have done so with the finger located in-between the index and the ring.

31) Tennessee Titans (0-3, #31)
Krazy
Apparently Pac got spelling tips from Vince Young.

32) Oakland Raiders (0-2, #32)
Pour Out A Little Liquor
Because Art Shell's coaching comeback has been slain. Puffy is claiming his innocence.
Interesting.
 

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