I was on a flight to Kodiak Island, thinking that chewing tobacco somehow grew there naturally in the chewing form. About an hour prior to landing, the cabin attendant comes over and tells me that I can't have my hands on my crotch - I was like "bitch, I have a massive hard-on and I'm barely hiding it. If I exposed it, you and that hairy ex-marine across the isle's gonna restrain me for indecent behavior". She proceeds to tell me about federal regulations and how it's out of her hands. Well, I haven't fucked in 4 months and this hard-on is out of my hands (not literally, yet). Things were definitely getting hairy. I noticed the ex-marine was carrying a sidearm - air marshall! That's when I made my decision. I was going to snap and jack the air marshall's reserve parachute and get the fuck out of that plane. I almost thought about stabbing one of them in the neck but I thought "heck, the depressurization of the cabin and the crash resulting from it will do enough damage."
I saw the plane fall like aluminum foil as I pulled the cord. Luckily, I saw a river near the clearing I decided to land on. I thought about taking that .45 from his belt - but what good does it do when I run out of the 6 in the clip and one in the hole?
2 days had passed. I focused most of my energy on creating a shelter. Now, my stomach was cussing at me. I had to eat something. I found a small berry patch just over the hill from my camp but the fresh bear tracks had me worried. I was reluctant to approach that area but more importantly I needed something more filling. I was not going to survive on berries. Not this time of the year. It was a long hike but I decided to head for the river. My canteen was nearly empty and I figured I could find something to eat there.
The sound of the water was getting louder and louder but not that loud. I could tell the water was shallow. That was a relief. I hate wet socks and I was sure I could find some stepping stones. I had to walk some distance upstream but I did find some exposed stones to walk on. I was ready for some fresh cold water. That's when I heard the beastly growl. My heart skipped a beat as I ducked down behind some bushes. That's a fucking bear - I know it! "Fuck!" I whispered. That .45 isn't sounding that bad right about now. All kinds of things went through my head while hiding behind that bush. Like that solar cell iPhone charger I saw on eBay and that anti-bear app in the App Store.
I didn't want to move, but it was approaching late afternoon. I wanted to gather any resources I could find and head back to camp before darkness fell. I grabbed the biggest stick I could find and sharpened the tip with my trusty SOG. I scanned for any movement but, luckily, saw none. I decided to investigate the area where I saw the bear. Hallelujah! A half eaten fresh carcass of an Alaskan salmon! This was fucking luxury yall. It would have taken me more energy and time to catch one of these on my own. From the looks of the fish bones scattered around - this was the favorite feeding ground for those bears.
With a full stomach, I'm going to sleep well tonight and dream of soy sauce and wasabi.