How Twilight Works

[Casey]

source

A few weeks ago I had the miserable experience of reading Twilight. A friend bought it for me and I took it with me to read on a long flight from Seattle to Houston. I knew it was going to be crappy, but I thought it would be a guilty pleasure kind of crappy - where you know it's bad but you still get enjoyment out of it. I actually managed to power through around 400 pages until I gave up and started reading Sky Mall. I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with Vampire Teens II: New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn't described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward - a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this "empty shell," the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I'm going to refer to her as "Pants" from here on out.

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand - and you've got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward's appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression "Edward's perfect face," and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color - even his goddamn breath (I'm not joking).

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she's bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure - a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

 

[Casey]

So what about men that like Twilight?
If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way.
And the movie?
The movie is just the same uninspired crap shat out onto a film reel. If you like the taste of horse manure on your bologna sandwiches, you're probably gonna like it on your birthday cake as well. The same principle applies with Twilight.
Beyond that, it's just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn't really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits. There's lots of nervous lip-biting, tender kisses between Pants and Edward, and lengthy descriptions of every feature of Edward's body. Pants is a static character who never really progresses beyond being an insecure vampire fangirl who obsesses over Edward. Whether her character grows beyond that is unknown to me, I'd stopped reading by then and shifted my attention to an electric butt-massaging chair in Sky Mall.

 

[Duke]

lmao. good stuff. and prolly quite true.

 

[yak pac fatal]

hahaha

 

[ill-matic]

lol i saw this with my girlfriend.

it was very gay.

 

[Flipmo]

lol i saw this with my girlfriend.

it was very gay.

I'd put my gf in a crossed-face-chicken-wing before she drags me in there

 

[ill-matic]

i was one of the girls that squeeled when the werewolf took his shirt off and ran in the cold rain

 

[Kobe]

LOL!! I haven't got a clue about this movie+book franchise but this is funny.

 

[DarkPhantom13]

Yep i can't stand all this Twilight bullshit. You ever noticed my signature casey?

 

[hizzle?]

I watched the first Twilight with my gf because I owed her one for Euro 2008 and all of Bosnia's matches this year...

It wasn't THAT bad. I wouldn't say I love it, but it's definitly not a bad movie. I think a lot of people hate it for the same reason they hated Titanic back in the late 90s...

 

[keco52]

I made my person watch it too. The first one. Not bc I wanted too but bc society made me feel like less of a woman for not going crazy over this sparkly femme man (slight exaggeration)

Anyway...I fell asleep. I kept wanting them to do it or for him to at least bite her. He is a vampire for fvcks sake...but no. And now my person doesn't trust my judgement in the movie theater. Thanks Twilight.

 

[Jokerman]

I liked the first Twilight movie a lot. Haven't seen the second one. Remember, the book and the movie are two different animals. This cartoon is about the book. The book is all due to the writer, who can't write, and that appeals to readers who can't read. Perfect fit, like Dan Brown. The movie has a different writer as screenwriter, a director, and good performances by various actors going for it that the book doesn't. So I liked it, esp Kristen Stewart whom I'd bite any time.

 

[deepa_316]

totally overrated movies, 2nd 1 is thee most borin movie ever, at least in the 1st theres a bit of mystery but totally overrated

 

[Shadows]

^honestly, I don't know why girls wanted to see the movie if no one even liked the 2nd book.

 

[Duke]

Thank the Invisible Razorfanged Vagina for Europe being spared of this.

 

[_carmi]

i was one of the girls that squeeled when the werewolf took his shirt off and ran in the cold rain

all the 15 years old in the theate started squeeling. i felt so mature and old... yeah he was illegally so hot (he's 17 that kid) but cmon.

and then i saw Edward with no shirt and I got scared. such a fucking disappointment. apparently the abs were painted on him. i mean cmon after saying werewolf guy Jacob beef up wouldn't you too?

I liked the first Twilight movie a lot. Haven't seen the second one. Remember, the book and the movie are two different animals. This cartoon is about the book. The book is all due to the writer, who can't write, and that appeals to readers who can't read. Perfect fit, like Dan Brown. The movie has a different writer as screenwriter, a director, and good performances by various actors going for it that the book doesn't. So I liked it, esp Kristen Stewart whom I'd bite any time.

the 1st movie sucked. They look constipated throughout the movie. the 2nd one is better. better script, better acting. better directing i must add. better costumes, better wigs. better budget.

^honestly, I don't know why girls wanted to see the movie if no one even liked the 2nd book.

to see how it turned out obviously.

 

[Shadows]

^i agree with better 'everything,' but the movie still was kind of lame b/c the soundtrack was MUCH better on twilight....and imo, that's what made that particular movie.

Nothing really 'made' this movie. I wasn't able to squeal over a 17 yr olds body.

 

[Synful*Luv]

That was very accurate. But that lady made a lot of monies. LOL

 

[Synful*Luv]

all the 15 years old in the theate started squeeling. i felt so mature and old... yeah he was illegally so hot (he's 17 that kid) but cmon.

and then i saw Edward with no shirt and I got scared. such a fucking disappointment. apparently the abs were painted on him. i mean cmon after saying werewolf guy Jacob beef up wouldn't you too?

the 1st movie sucked. They look constipated throughout the movie. the 2nd one is better. better script, better acting. better directing i must add. better costumes, better wigs. better budget.

to see how it turned out obviously.

Yeah I tried to pick a time so I wouldn't be there with the horny fan girls.. but I was not successful. And wow, Robert looked freakin awful with his shirt off. And was one nipple freakishly larger than the other or was it just me? Gross, gross, gross.

 

[Bender]

i have not seen twilight yet