This is something I've been pondering about myself for a long time and the nail-biting thread just made me think of it again. Perhaps some of you feel this way? Iunno...Im jus looking to get some insight (not looking for the dumb comments but theyll still come...plz try and make them funny at least)
Ive got several habits that I would like to stop, not necessarily harmful habits, but perhaps theyre harmful to the mind...Iunno, personally some shit Id jus like to know I still have the willpower to stop.
Anyways, all of these habits seem to have started around the same period.
(I say "seem to have" because really I cant remember much of anything...reefer has clogged my mind but it also seems like something else has help more recently..mebbe from stress or mebbe I jus subconsciously put up some mental blocks.)
So yah, they all seem to have started around the same time...and I find myself wanting to stop (I have conversations with myself constantly), thinking it may be better for my health if I stop, and like I said just wanting to know that I can stop whenever - I guess so that I know I have the control over the habit and not it over me.
Buuuut when I try to stop...I cant. I used to be able 2 quit smoking weed whenever I felt like it...months at a time - didnt think about smoking at all, didnt feel like smoking, didnt crave it; perfectly content without it. And eventually Id fee like smoking and go back whatever. But now I cant even do that. Ill think about quitting all the time.....but when that last sack of ganja goes away - Im callin the dealer 4 another.
Same thing w/ the nail bitin shit, tell myself to stop cuz its dirty, not sexy, and can cause pain lol; but still cant quit biting for more than a day or a few.
Oddly enough (or maybe not odd) - last year I was thinking of quitting around New Year time (not as a gay resolution, jus happened 2 be that time...was actually finishing an album, didnt want it 2 have 2 different vibes lol). Then I started dating this chick, who also didnt happen to smoke; so I jus quit smokin. She said I didnt have 2 blah blah I jus said I felt like doin it whatever. I liked waking up w/ energy, not feeling tired all day; made work go by quicker I wasnt watchin the clock for lunch so I could go get blowed, not watchin it for when I left so I could do the same. About a week or so in2 I had the day off and was at the studio, ended up smokin a lil bit.
Decided ah fuck it Ill smoke on the days off its coo..I still wasnt feelin tired the next day and shit. About a week after that I decided to juss ay fuck it and go w/ my initial plan of quitting completely to let myself know I could. So I was totally sober (from weed..still had my firewater) for about 3 weeks...then some bullshit happened w/ ol girl and I went back 2 smokin as soon as she left the house (missed out on some damn shrooms fuckn bitch).
To bring my rant 2gether, also durin this time I wasnt bitin my nails...they actually looked normal for the time. I didnt start bitin em again right afterwards, but prolly over the next month the habit slowly eased back in lol
So I mean...Iunno..I guess theres a void in my life somewhere and Im trying to find things 2 fill it with...that makes sense w/ the weed and women...but nail biting? I dont get that coincidence.
But I believe my initial point/reason for writing this was....lemme jus try and break it down cuz Im starting 2 confuse myself.
Why do I find myself habitually doing something I feel is wrong, tell myself its best to stop it, but cant find the strength to stop it.
Maybe I just addicted and subconsciously refuse to see it or is there something else going on?
Jesus Iunno...Im done tho lol..any1 who makes any sense of that feel free to fire away.
Ive got several habits that I would like to stop, not necessarily harmful habits, but perhaps theyre harmful to the mind...Iunno, personally some shit Id jus like to know I still have the willpower to stop.
Anyways, all of these habits seem to have started around the same period.
(I say "seem to have" because really I cant remember much of anything...reefer has clogged my mind but it also seems like something else has help more recently..mebbe from stress or mebbe I jus subconsciously put up some mental blocks.)
So yah, they all seem to have started around the same time...and I find myself wanting to stop (I have conversations with myself constantly), thinking it may be better for my health if I stop, and like I said just wanting to know that I can stop whenever - I guess so that I know I have the control over the habit and not it over me.
Buuuut when I try to stop...I cant. I used to be able 2 quit smoking weed whenever I felt like it...months at a time - didnt think about smoking at all, didnt feel like smoking, didnt crave it; perfectly content without it. And eventually Id fee like smoking and go back whatever. But now I cant even do that. Ill think about quitting all the time.....but when that last sack of ganja goes away - Im callin the dealer 4 another.
Same thing w/ the nail bitin shit, tell myself to stop cuz its dirty, not sexy, and can cause pain lol; but still cant quit biting for more than a day or a few.
Oddly enough (or maybe not odd) - last year I was thinking of quitting around New Year time (not as a gay resolution, jus happened 2 be that time...was actually finishing an album, didnt want it 2 have 2 different vibes lol). Then I started dating this chick, who also didnt happen to smoke; so I jus quit smokin. She said I didnt have 2 blah blah I jus said I felt like doin it whatever. I liked waking up w/ energy, not feeling tired all day; made work go by quicker I wasnt watchin the clock for lunch so I could go get blowed, not watchin it for when I left so I could do the same. About a week or so in2 I had the day off and was at the studio, ended up smokin a lil bit.
Decided ah fuck it Ill smoke on the days off its coo..I still wasnt feelin tired the next day and shit. About a week after that I decided to juss ay fuck it and go w/ my initial plan of quitting completely to let myself know I could. So I was totally sober (from weed..still had my firewater) for about 3 weeks...then some bullshit happened w/ ol girl and I went back 2 smokin as soon as she left the house (missed out on some damn shrooms fuckn bitch).
To bring my rant 2gether, also durin this time I wasnt bitin my nails...they actually looked normal for the time. I didnt start bitin em again right afterwards, but prolly over the next month the habit slowly eased back in lol
So I mean...Iunno..I guess theres a void in my life somewhere and Im trying to find things 2 fill it with...that makes sense w/ the weed and women...but nail biting? I dont get that coincidence.
But I believe my initial point/reason for writing this was....lemme jus try and break it down cuz Im starting 2 confuse myself.
Why do I find myself habitually doing something I feel is wrong, tell myself its best to stop it, but cant find the strength to stop it.
Maybe I just addicted and subconsciously refuse to see it or is there something else going on?
Jesus Iunno...Im done tho lol..any1 who makes any sense of that feel free to fire away.
2 That's me
