The joke thread!

[Farzin]

We've had the funny pictures thread and the motivational poster thread. Now it is time for some jokes!

Here is one of my favourites.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

 

[Farzin]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don`t remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

 

[Farzin]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

 

[Farzin]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[Farzin]

One night, a father passed by his son`s room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn`t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son`s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor`s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you`re here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[raywaters11]

Lol, I liked the one about the Marine. Rep'd.

 

[Duke]

The marine one was best, aye. It can be done, even.

I remember one as well:


The Queen visits a hospital and one of the doctors takes her on a tour. On the first floor they walk into a room to find a man on his bed masturbating. The Queen, shocked, asks what the hell is going on. The doctor replies "Well you see, that man has a condition where he overproduces semen. He has to relieve himself every hour or suffer horrible pains, so we allow him to."
The Queen is a bit disturbed but she understand, so the tour goes on.

On the second floor, they walk into another room and see a patient getting a blowjob from a nurse. Outraged, the Queen asks why this is happening. The doctor says: "You remember that man from downstairs with the semen condition? This man has the same problem, but he's got much better insurance".

 

[Sebastian]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

LMAO, thats the best for me.

 

[raywaters11]

Hahaha... Thank God for insurance.

 

[Farzin]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

 

[Farzin]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Farzin]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.


Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board.


Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the days lesson.


Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each days word larger than the previous days word.


Finally one day she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words,


"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

 

[Farzin]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

 

[Bender]

a boy returned home from a day at school

on the way to his bedroom he passes his older sisters room and the door is ajar, he sees his sister half naked stood in front of the mirror, rubbing her body sensually and saying to herself over and over 'i want a man, i want a man'

the boy thinks his sister is just being wierd again and continues to his room to dump all of his school stuff there. upon returning to the hall the boy passes his sisters bedroom door again and this times hears her moaning, he peeks through the door and sees his sister embraced with a man in bed.

the boy runs back to his room, takes his clothes off, stands in front of his mirror and says 'i want a new bike, i want a new bike'

 

[Shadows]

Drugs:

If all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of

government experts, it was recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[raywaters11]

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

lmmfao!

 

[Duke]

Shadows' joke isn't that funny but it rises a good, and painfully true, point.

 

[Farzin]

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.



His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.



When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.



Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.



Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.


When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:





"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.





P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

 

[raywaters11]

^ Haha.

 

[Farzin]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."


Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"


"I'm a hit man," was the reply.


"You're joking!" was the response.


"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."


That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."



So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.



"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.

Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"


"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."


"Can you do two for me now?"


"Sure, what do you want?"


"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."


The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes



"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.


"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly,



"I think I can save you a grand here..."