More from David Thorne

[Rukas]

Remember the guy that tried to pay his bill using a picture of a spider he drew in paint?

He's back...

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.









From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen









From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.









From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.









From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.









From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.









From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

 

[Rukas]

From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters









From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff









From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.









From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.









From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a sm artar se or agreeing not to email me again?









From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

 

[tHuG $TyLe]

I read this awhile ago. Hilarious I love the Gym one

 

[The.Menace]

hihi, people take stuff to serious it seems.

 

[Prize Gotti]

The spider was classic, im glad to read more of his emails lol.

 

[Casey]

Lmfao

 

[THEV1LL4N]

lol, i need to show this to more people.

 

[SiGh]

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David.



From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.



From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David.

 

[SiGh]

From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 09.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS

Hello David,
Thankyou for your recent enquiry regarding pricing of the R 1200 GS Motorcycle. We do not accept household furniture as trade ins on vehicles and would reccomend you sell them privately. The R 1200 GS has a list price of $25,470. Please note that this excludes Dealer delivery and ORC and is GST inclusive. I welcome you to contact me personally to arrange a test ride at a time that would suit you.
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.03am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS

Dear Peter,

Thankyou for responding to the online request I filled out several months ago and your kind offer to allow me to test ride the product before paying what is essentially five times the value of my car. I hope I get a full tank of petrol with that. I have read that women like guys that ride motorcycles though so I am sure it is worth every cent. If you could confirm for me that the model is available in desert yellow I would be very interested in arranging that test ride.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS colours available

Hello David,
Yes the R 1200 GS is available in desert yellow. We have a desert yellow demo model on the showroom floor at the moment if you would like to come in to view and arrange a test ride at that time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 10.48am
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

I have just been informed that bees are attracted to yellow vehicles. Apparently a few years back, a friend of a friend purchased a bright yellow convertible and was unable to drive it with the top down due to constantly being surrounded by bees. Do you know if this is a science fact as I am allergic to bees and the last thing I want is to be stung in the eye while I am doing 240kph on the freeway during the test ride. Also, do you know if there are airtight motorcycle helmets available?

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Hello David,
You would be required to follow state speed restrictions of 100kph on the Eastern Freeway during a test ride and would reccomend lower speeds than that until you have familiarised yourself with the bike. We would generally not expect people to take the demo bike on the freeway but we can discuss when you come in. I have never heard that about bees liking yellow vehicles and would think it is not true. The R 1200 GS is available in granite, black and red in addition to the yellow. Would you like to come in today and discus?
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 02.50pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

I have been researching bees on the internet for the last four hours at work. When I type 'do bees like yellow' into google, it says that there are 2,960,000 results and it will take me a while to look at all of those pages so I doubt I will make it in there today. On one of the pages I have been to it stated that Qantas used to have a yellow kangaroo as their logo but when it was painted on the tail fin it attracted nests of bees which was a safety hazard therfore the logo was changed to red in the mid fifties. This would seem to support the argument that bees are indeed attracted to yellow and contradicts what you have told me. According to one page though, bees are technically unable to fly due to their wings being too small for their body weight but I have seen them do it so this can't be true. Somebody should check the internet and make sure everything on there is correct. Regardless, I do not think having to dodge bees in addition to the already present dangers of learning to ride a motorbike for the first time would be very safe. Once when I was a passenger in a yellow taxi, a bee flew in and I screamed causing the driver to swerve and hit a wheelie bin. I will continue my research and confirm that this would not be a factor before I arrange the test ride.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

When you say you are learning to ride a motorcycle, do you hold a current full motorcycle license?
Sincerely, Peter Conner



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 03.40pm
To: Peter Conner
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R 1200 GS colours available

Dear Peter,

No, but how hard can it be? They are just pushbikes with engines. Part of my job role here is to ride my pushbike every day to collect co-workers lunch orders from McDonalds, - balancing the bags on my handlebars because they will not buy me a basket. I think that qualifies me for something. Often I have to make the trip twice when McDonalds® employees leave something out of the order. Actually, on average, every third time I go through the drive through they forget to include prt of my order. Also the girls who work there are too attractive. This means that if I want something from my local McDonalds® late at night, I have to shower, shave and wear something nice before I can get a simple snack. As it takes me at least two hours to do my hair, I am practically starving by this time and therefore order twice as much food as usual. Ordering more food increases the chance of them leaving something out. Last night it was an apple pie and that is really the only thing I like from there. It is quite obvious to me that they do this on purpose. Once, I ordered two big macs, minus the beef, large fries and an apple pie. When I got home and opened the bag, there were two happy meals in there. The toy was two of the same Kim Possible figurines which worked out ok as I gave one to my son and kept one myself because for a cartoon character, you have to admit that Kim Possible is quite hot. I also have a thing for Lois from the television series Family Guy so I must have a penchant for cartoon redheads which is vaguely puzzling to me as I cannot stand redheads in real life. Nobody can. I have read that redheads are more prone to allergies and if this is a science fact, and includes allergies to bee stings, all redheads should be encouraged to wear bright yellow T-Shirts.

Regards, David.



From: Peter Conner
Date: Friday 9 Jan 2009 04.28pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: R 1200 GS test ride

Dear David,
I apologise but we will be unable to organise a test ride for you at this time.
Sincerely, Peter Conner

 

[SiGh]

From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am
To: Staff
Subject: Coffee cups

Hi

There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could everyone please wash their coffee cups after using them.

Thanks, Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.19am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Coffee cups

Morning Shannon,

My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to knock off early.

Regards, David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.31am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups

I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I should not have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don't even drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.

Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10.42am
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups

Shannon,

You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.

David.



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.08pm
To: Staff
Subject: Kitchen Roster

Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.

Thanks, Shan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1.22pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart

Shannon, I notice that you have colour coded the coffee cup cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon colour you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colours with Thomas as he has quite a nice dusty blue.

Thankyou, David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.17pm
To: Staff
Subject: Updated kitchen roster

Hi. I have changed David's colour to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.

Shan



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: What the fuck?

What the fuck is this email from Shannon? I am not doing a fucking kitchen roster. Was this your idea?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.38pm
To: Thomas
Cc: Shannon
Subject: Re: What the fuck?

Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone's coffee cups? Apparently this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff board meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue but luckily Shannon has prepared a colour coded coffee cup cleaning chart for us rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee cup cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee cup cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may only be twelve coffee cups but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon and then where would we be?

David.



From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2.56pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Kitchen stuff

Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I am not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash coffee cups. David is being a fuckwit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.



From: Lillian
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.06pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff

What's this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.09pm
To: Shannon
Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee cup cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the internet, and not had time to familiarise myself with correct coffee cup cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of Powerpoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves or will these be provided?

David



From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3.20pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.

 

[SiGh]

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 June 2009 11.02am
To: Craig Ellison
Subject: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,

Thankyou for your letter. Does the forty eight hours include sleeping time? I like to sleep in till around midday, often longer if it is cold and rainy outside. Today when I got up it was bitterly cold so I sat on the couch watching Blakes-7 dvds wrapped in my doona and therefore technically still in bed. If I bought two doonas, layed down on them with my arms and legs splayed out, drew the outline of my body then cut out and stitched the doonas together to form a suit, I could wear this to the shops and even to work on cold days. People would probably look at me and say "I wish I had one of those doona suits" and I would say "Yes, it is very warm and comfortable and just like being in bed therefore I am exempt from any deadlines that may be placed on me."

Regards, David.



From: Craig Ellison
Date: Friday 26 June 2009 12.55pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne

The 48 hours includes sleeping time. I would advise you to take this matter seriously as anti harrassment laws are very specific and carry penalites ranging from fines to prison time. You would also be liable for all legal fees.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 June 2009 1.27pm
To: Craig Ellison
Subject: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,

Does the forty hours begin from when you wrote the letter, when I received it, or when I chose to ignore it? Despite your inference, I do indeed take your threats very seriously. The thought of spending time in prison has caused my entire body to break out in a rash. It is a brown, even rash which looks like I have been away on holidays and gotten a tan so that is nice. While I am sure prison would have certain benefits, such as not having to decide what to wear each morning and the opportunity to meet new and interesting people, I have heard that they make you get up early and also expect you to shower in front of each other. At home, I shower with the lights off as I have a dim view of nudity. I also read once that the other prisoners make you dress up like a lady and dance for them which does not sound like a safe idea. It has taken me years of practice to just walk in high heels let alone dance. I would probably have to do one of those eighties dances where you just keep your legs still and dance with your arms and upper body and the other prisoners would probably get bored and go and do other things. Unless I did the Robot of course which does not involve moving the feet much and everyone loves the Robot. I only know two other dances; the Matrix where you lean right back waving your arms slowly and the old man dance where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music and sit down for a rest. I could probably tap dance as well as it looks easy but nobody likes that rubbish.

Regards, David.



From: Craig Ellison
Date: Friday 26 June 2009 3.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne

What does this all have to do with removing our clients name and photo from your website? I would strongly advise you not to ignore our letter. If references to our client are not removed by 5pm Wednesday 7th of July we will file a complaint with the courts pending instruction from Mr Cargan.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 June 2009 4.21pm
To: Craig Ellison
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,

I understand. In the event that this proceeds to court, will you appear for me as a character witness? I enjoy room temperature, pushing buttons with a really smooth push button action and getting a little bit wet in the rain then quickly running inside. Should you require more information, I am happy to meet up with you for a coffee or watch a dvd and discuss further. Have you seen the movie Waterworld? I haven't but I have heard it is terrible so we would not watch that. We could read to each other if you preferred. There is a chance we could even become close friends through this which would be a nice outcome. I read somewhere that lawyers are second only to dentists in regards to committing suicide so you would have someone to talk to when you are down about everyone despising you. I would probably talk you out of committing suicide and you would owe me your life and buy me nice things. I would pretend to feel uncomfortable about accepting them and say "you don't have to feel obligated, that's what friends do" but really I would be quite happy about it. I am a size 32 in pants.

Regards, David.



From: Craig Ellison
Date: Monday 29 June 2009 9.36am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

David, please just remove the references to Mr Cargan from your website. He has not given you permission to use his image or name. His posting information on Facebook or Myspace does not make that information public property. I have spoken to Mr Cargan in regards to this matter and while it is my understanding that he initiated the contact and the webpage was your response, it would be preferrable to all concerned that you end this now to avoid possible litigation.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 29 June 2009 10.09am
To: Craig Ellison
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Ellison,

I appreciate Mr Cargan's preference for anonymity all to well. Each day before I leave the house, I dress as an elderly Jamaican woman and am well known in the community as Mrs Cocowan. That way, if I ever find myself involved in a major crime, and it is just a matter of time, they will be looking for a large old black lady that sings for money at the train station and can run suprisingly fast. If I change Mr Cargan's name and place a black rectangle over his eyes, would this be acceptable to you?

Regards, David.



From: Craig Ellison
Date: Monday 29 June 2009 2.42pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Skye Cargan

Dear Mr Thorne

I have spoken to Mr Cargan and we agree that using a different name and placing a black rectangle over his eyes in a way that protects his identity would be an acceptable outcome. I am glad we could bring this issue to an agreeable close.

Sincerely, Craig Ellison

 

[SiGh]

From: Les Copeland
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poor black boy

What kind of a complete fucking moron makes fun of starving children? What a pathetic attempt at humour. I have spent time in third world countries and seen children starving with my own eyes and I think you seriously need to grow the fuck up.

Les


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesley,

Thankyou for your kind email, I am glad you enjoyed the website. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.

Regards, David.

From: Les Copeland
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 10.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Are you fucking retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about the poor black boy page. As If I would want a photo of someone who thinks starving children are funny.
You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how fucking funny you are.

Les


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 11.02am
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesbian,

Thankyou for your request but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Lego. I have been collecting lego blocks for nearly four years now as I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and only need another 4,836,029 to complete plans of constructing a four bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor swimming pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics. The advantages of using lego blocks over traditional building methods, in regards to durability and gaiety of colour, are without question. The only issues are finding a block of land that has a flat green plastic base and gaining council approval but that should not prove a major obstacle as my local member of parliament, Kate Ellis, planet Earth's sexiest space politician, is not adverse to a bribe. Kate Beckinsale is the only other attractive lesbian politician I can think of. The rest are just appalling.

Regards, David.

P.S. I have attached a photo of Kate Ellis as a sexy space girl in case you do not know who she is.

Kate Ellis Space Politician

From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

I have no idea who the fuck that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing shit like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lester moron. I seriously want to punch you in the fucking face.


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.37pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear moLester,

I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors, it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister and brother, my sister became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving us stranded two hundred and thirty kilometres from the nearest McDonalds. By the third day we tried eating grass and fought over a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency Unicef food parcel drop. As it was, we survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of our clothing which enabled us to reach the nearest town where we danced for food.

You and I should go camping together some time as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of watersports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent killing the child so I always sleep the furthest distance possible from my son when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost as we could use your Village People moustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.

In regards to getting a real job, my current position as assistant to the managing assistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time and I have been promised a promotion to assistant to the assistant manager in charge of assistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung.

Also, I understand your need to assert yourself physically, I too can only experience true intimacy through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off as imagination has it's limits. I have had worse of course, my last girlfriend was the poster girl for 'love is blind' and my current partner is overseas at the moment so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neigbors dog when Glenda & Frank go out Tuesday nights. Once when they arrived home early due to an arguament between them regarding Frank's internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days. As I could see Frank using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Glenda's accusations that he was "looking at girls on the intenet". He was looking at photos of her. No not really, it was men. To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occassionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny Mcphee which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materialises out of snow is simply beautiful but my favourite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.

Regards, David.



From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

You are a complete idiot. Dont email me again.


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.57pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

ok



From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 7.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Fuck off

 

[SiGh]

From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Friday 22 August 2009 3.40pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: computer room

Hello David

I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and he has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.

Sincerely, Margaret



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 24 August 2009 9.16am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Thankyou for your email. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment as I am experiencing iPhone envy and every second spent using my Nokia is like being trapped in a loveless marriage. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have iPhones. I was not aware that my son taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and public domain, not to mention that it was I who copied and gave it to him, I agree that banning him from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering his enthusiasm for the subject. Also, though physical discipline is not longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if nobody is watching. I know from experience that he can take a punch.

Regards, David.



From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 10.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: computer room

David

We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. He denied having the drive which means he knew he shouldn't have it here then it was found in his bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.

Margaret



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 11.04am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I coloured outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read 'non-conformist' while the other children pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently a copy of Biggles had been found behind a filing cabinet. Another time, because I desperately wanted a Battlestar Galactica jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach brass door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation and despite the oil based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs Bowman's English class, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the principal for damaging school property. My punishment was to scrape wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr Wrigley. During class, when the teacher was not looking, we would pass each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Battlestar Galactica jackets.

Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please remove the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.

Regards, David.



From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 4.10pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David

I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your email to the principal as per school policy.

Margaret



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 11.18am
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Rest assured I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration and have found, since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with froot loops, I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side so he should be alright. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible so I would appreciate you not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

Regards, David.



From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David

I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the principal about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.

Margaret



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2.17pm
To: Margaret Bennett
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age. Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb's bag that I do not believe is on the school approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the school yard though as we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow's milk sour and the mob took care of the rest.

Regards, David.



From: Margaret Bennett
Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11.56am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

David,

I have spoken to the principal and in this instance we will lift the ban.

Margaret

 

[Casey]

Lmfao!!!!!