I can sum up the central idea of what i'm about to say in this thread with one simple question:

Can a guy and a girl, who have had "history" in terms of dating and hooking up, and being more than friends, be "just friends"? Once the boundary is crossed, can it still be "just friends"?

My issue with this girl has haunted me all year. I met her last year at a friends party, and we have been inseparable ever since. We had insane chemistry. I've never met a girl like her before. It's always feel good, always happy, and we just have that chemistry. I can't get over the word 'chemistry' because it is something that fits our relationship.

After a couple of months we started dating. Though she carried immense baggage (she is a bit of a drama queen), it didn't end up working out. She felt we would be better as friends. Nonethless, we still crossed the boundary. We kissed heaps, went out, held each other etc etc. It was great, starting off slow kind of shit.

I was cool with what she wanted and i respected it. She had past issues which she hadn't confronted yet and learnt to deal with, so i didn't want to pressure something.

Anyway we hang out and she's always all over me. We go to the movies and shes lying on me, puits her head on my lap, and we're very close and affectionate to each other. A few months ago it was obvious that i was still interested in her, and she knew it. And i knew it always crossed her mind about us being together because after a bit of "text flirting" she randomly says to me "don't you think that if something were ever to happen between us that our friendship will be ruined?". It shows that shes thought about us being together on numerous occasions, but for some reason she won't go down that path.

However, it was clear to me that she loved the attention i gave her, and probably loved the fact that i was still into her. I mean, i did say that she knew i liked her. So over the past few months i made a conscious effort to still be close to her (affectionate and everything), yet also show to her that ive moved on and don't see her like that. I tell her about my hook ups with other girls, i tell her about girls ive tried to date (which she got insanely jealous about, if you see my other thread). One thing on the jealousy aspect - why would she be jealous if she didn't want to be with me?

So, right now, she has no reason to still think that i'm into her. Yet lately shes been even more affectionate, really cuddling ujp to me and shit. Sometimes it freaks me out, but in all honesty i don't mind. When our faces are close and we're fucking around, her eyes always shoot to my lips. And these looks she gives me. It's weird.


So i'm thinking, once youve crossed that boundary can you really remain platonic? I mean, we are attracted to each other, we have kissed each other, so how can that just suddenly switch off. How is it possible that you can deprogram yourself like that to not see someone in that way?

Damn i wanna be with this girl.

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" i lurve bitches "

If you want to be with her just go for it and see what happens. Next time she looks at you like that just grab her and kiss her and see where it goes.

Yes, you can be platonic with a female, but you wont be, because you have feelings for her so you are shooting yourself in the foot.

You just need to go for it, if it doesnt work out, at least you can take a break, move on romantically, and either come back as friends or go your separate ways.

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http://www.streethop.com/rukas
http://www.myspace.com/rukas

it works when you both move on to other things that you're happy with, and both have a sense of self-rightousness.

you say you've been telling her about your own escapades to show her you've moved on. it was unclear if you meant that you say these things to create the illusion that you moved on, or if you moved on and therefore say these things. i presume the former. she obviously has some issues with the situation that she hasn't dealt with.

boundaries are important for something like that to work. if you were serious about staying friends and respecting her the best thing to do would be to set some boundaries. simply express how you feel, that some times she can be a little too close and cuddly, and it makes it very difficult for you to try and move on. i knew a drama queen once. correction, i was in love with a drama queen once. no matter how much affection she gives it's always about the drama, never about you. it's a mental obsession, it's irregular. i'll go out on a limb and say that when she's saying things like "do you think it would ruin our friendship if something happened?", it's possible she doesn't really care if the answer is yes or no. what she cares most about is the situation and tension she creates by throwing it out there. she wants to test you for recognition. she wants to know that you are having these dramatic feelings for her. once she gets that she'll have got what she wanted.

now i could be right or i could be wrong, one can never tell. i would express to her that you are trying to get over her. but somehow emphasize that it's not really a hard task, it's something trivial, a matter of time not work. express that it's difficult to try and develop more friendly feelings for her when she's throwing you off with things. maybe she'll quit and you can really be friends, if you appreciate your friendship so much that you actually want this. or maybe, just maybe, you'll fuck with her little drama queen head and throw her off the same way she does you when she's all cuddly and giving you stares.

anyway, if you want to have a friendship, imo you should have a good talk with her about it. if you're madly deeply in love i don't judge at all. then there's rukas' advice which might just be the easiest route to go. it's also the more risky route, though.

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happy thoughts everyone.

well i've given her a few chances, and all i got was the whole "im not ready for a relationship". it's a fair call - she does have baggage and it's not pretty. so i accepted it. and i did the whole "break" thing, where i said we should cool it for a few weeks so i can just learn to move on. i did that, it worked, but then it went back to square one because we started hanging out again heaps, she'd be all over me etc etc etc. And those feelings came back because after each time i spent with her it wwas like "damn, i really want to be with her" because she made me so happy.

that was months ago. like 6 or so months ago.

anyway, about 3 months after that, we were doing the whole text flirting shit and thats when she gave me the whole "dont you think that if we were together our friendship would be ruined" bullshit. i thought that was my opening, but i pushed it too hard, if that makes sense, and she consequently backed down and went back to the whole "yeh we are just better as friends".

since then i havent done anything about my feelings and i dont know if i want to. i dont know how many times i can bring it up without pushing her away. if i try anything, how do i know she won't react negatively?

and the reason why i keep telling her about my shit with other women is purely so she doesn't think i like her. because if she does, she MAY take advantage of it, if that makes sense?

i'm kind of stuck here. my hands are tied and theres jack shit i can do. we love each others company. she would say shit to me like "phil, running into you really made my day" etc etc

so i dont know what the point of this thread is. im just stuck here/

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" i lurve bitches "

yeh i was like that for a few years.

i liked her(at one stage i believed i loved her). we were best friends and all that shit, picked her up and fingered her on my birthday and i thought that would be an opening, but it wasnt.

once i woke up to myself that it wasnt gonna happen i decided that she was basically unnecessary so i just stoped talking to her and seeing her. i have been happy ever since.

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"No Reason To Live, But I Like It That Way"

sure you can be friends if you really want to...but that's obviously not what you want. get over it, you aren't going to be friends with her and if you don't make a move the next guy will. so what the hell r u waiting for?

just like Too Short said in the track "We Do This" "if you don't then yours will be mines"

do yourself a favor and go get her. don't starve yourself.

It appears to me that she likes you, at least she acts like she does. But she doesn't want to commit because of the baggage she is carrying with her and hasn't dealt with. I don't know what kind of baggage it is, but she has to deal with it asap. Obviously a boy and a girl with great chemistry who crossed boundaries before will never be only friends because you know there is the possibility, this light at the end of the tunnel because she gives you all kind of hints (being all over over, acting jealous about other girls, etc). But the only issue here (and the major one) is that she rejects you every time you try something.

I'm sure you guys would probably make a great couple, you guys make each other happy obviously but the question is: Is she ready to deal with all of her baggage? Because that is what seems to keep her away from the whole dating/relationship.

If she isn't going to deal with her baggage, I suggest you quit speaking/hanging out with her as you know you will not be able to stop those feelings if you keep being with her, being flirtatious with her and being all over each other. You can't wait all your life for her to deal with her issues.

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But I'm a hip-hop baby, from the heart I never flip flop baby.

pretty much says it all, and it's the first time I've ever seen anybody describe this type of situation so well

She's happy to have you around but she wants the freedom to get with any guy who comes around that she likes. What you guys do is typical "relationship behavior" but without the label of one. That enables her to feel unattached and without guilt when another guy comes along.

Like Rukas said, you like her so what's the point in asking the "central" question? You COULD be friends with her but that's not what you want. Now, she doesn't want a relationship it appears...Sometimes you can't correct everything with a simple move and things can't change over night.

Is it killing you to maintain status quo? If I was in your position, I wouldn't feel too bad. I'm in a similar position but I don't like the girl nearly as much as you do, from what I can tell. So I'm just chilling till another girl comes along.

Now that I think about it, I might be in your girl's position. lol

Either way, you can maintain status quo or break off the friendship and wait for her to come back begging on her knees. It's a game people play, usually works. I'm not one to advocate that as I hate these little "don't know what you got till it's gone" mind games that people play.


Also, what preach said is interesting...I'll just give you a heads-up that you have no future with this girl because she's a mind fuck and will make you miserable.

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Here I am, paradox personified.

^^ yeh i know. what carmi said, i kinda agree with. but shes had plenty of chances, so what makes me think shes gonna change her mind this time.

im gonna cut back on seeing her so much. ive been in this rut for months now and if i dont do something about it now then im pretty fucked.

i mean i keep picturing her with some other guy, and shell start to be like "omg you have to meet my boyfriend!!" or some bullshit like that. and ill watch them kissing feeling like my insides are gonna come outta my fucking ears. who wants that? not me. so i gotta deal with this shit now.

tonight is resolution night.

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" i lurve bitches "